​”Grab Them by the Wormhole (When You’re the Emissary They Let You)” is the team name that made it worth being here tonight for Star Trek Trivia. 

Passive-aggressive parenting 101 omg

Why would you put your finger in your ear? That finger has cheeseburger on it. You wouldn’t put a cheeseburger in your ear, would you? Cheeseburgers are for going into your mouth. Don’t put a cheeseburger finger in your ear. Meal time isn’t for fun, it’s for putting food in your mouth so it can go into your stomach. Not for putting cheeseburger fingers in your ears.


I wonder if there’s a porn version of snapchat. 

Yeah. It’s called snapchat.

Same thing

He sits on my boobs like they’re a chair. That’s why my boobs are so saggy. They’re a chair. 

Coffee and silence, please

This coffee shop is this magical place where I don’t have to do anything, and all it costs me is the price of coffee. Except they’re starting to know me there and make small talk, so I have to find somewhere else to go now.

Wizard emojis

Do you know of any emojis that are like a wizard?


Can I ask you super cool questions like that more often?


Kids and mimosas

I always say, if you have to crawl through a pile of kids to reach the mimosas, get that shit over with as early as possible.

European shorts

I don’t think you’re allowed to wear underwear in front of the children.

They’re shorts. I’m European.

Bring your socks

Listen to me very carefully. Each of you needs to bring two pairs of socks: one to wear and one because someone is going to forget their socks. Does everybody understand?

Not a manager

No offense, but I knew you in that era, and I don’t know how anyone was like, “Yeah, that’s manager material.”

Goddamn fucking honey

Oh, look, it’s honey! How cute! Let’s stop and buy some, and clog up all the traffic, and burn twenty gallons of gas getting all the way out here from the city, because we couldn’t have just bought honey at the f*cking grocery store.

Help! Gandalf is looking in my window! . . .

Help! Gandalf is looking in my window!

. . .

You know, like it’s blindingly bright, and I’m blinded now.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but sometimes I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.

. . . you know?