Hey you said it
Well, this was kind of a shitty pour. But the good news is that it’s still beer. I didn’t alter it in any way.
Well, this was kind of a shitty pour. But the good news is that it’s still beer. I didn’t alter it in any way.
You know the single best way to make vegetarian food taste better? Bacon.
I got a little lit up last night by myself and started eating like an asshole.
It just lingers, like the feeling of a touch. Ummm, what did you just say?!
I need an advent calendar for the whole year. You mean like…a normal calendar?
Life is what happens in between treats.
I know nothing. But you’re the husband! Exactly.
You know: Jimmy The Rock Lennon.
Lots of butt stuff today.
I just realized this James Taylor record I grew up listening to has a ton of sax in it. Almost too much sax.
Oh, poor The Browns.
Time is weird.
It’s 9am and I have a hankerin’ for some pasties.
One of my clients is doing a website for a pot dispensary. She is noticeably high in all of our meetings. It’s funny, then extremely annoying.
I mean look at that guy. It’s like General Patton marching into that war he conquered.
I mean, how do you have that conversation with your drug dealer about his spelling?
Your eyelashes are glued onto the bottom of your face.
Let’s see how weird I can get.
Clay Matthews for Halloween this year is going as a beard.
I have a bowl of genetically altered cornflakes every morning!
Fargo stole my money and murdered me, so I have to go home now.
Oh, did I tell you? I put my butt on his tour bus.
I only wish I had a baby. That would be the best prop.
I have a Pavlovian response to handsome magic.
Is this where you get your isotopes? Cause it’s local?
Alright, who jizzed in my beer? That’s my beer! Who jizzed in your beer?
Prove you’re not a robot. I’ll prove you’re not a robot…
I’ll take 10,000 of your longest words, please.
It’s like playing a violin: bullshit.
Oh, of course it’s not rewound. Yeah, because everyone who likes that movie is a dick.
Yeah, I was like nine. And there’s this scene where Jamie Lee Curtis strips, and that’s when I knew I wasn’t gay.
If you’re gonna draw your sword on anyone, that’s the guy.
Insane robotic Japanese Veggie Tales trumps life.
I think sonically, it’s going to be insane.
You remind me of John Travolta way too much.
Trek yo’self before you wreck yo’self.
There’s nothin’ like a temperate rainforest.
We need to stop at the liquor station. The liquor store? I’ve heard it both ways.
That’s the mentality. And by that I mean: the mental thought.
You can’t really butt-fuck a cigar.
If anybody gets a hand job from a bridesmaid, I’ll give them twenty bucks. It’s all about the motivation. As if the handy isn’t motivation eno...
I’m really good at finding stuff. So if you lose your purse or anything, I should be able to help.
How old are you? I’m a scientist.
Ladies love a bald chin. You gotta shave that.
I want to kiss Lando Calrissian. I’m doing it. I want to taste his mustache.
So what happens then? They slit your wrist? Or take your children?
Oh, you’re spilling your beer… I always spill my beer.
Satan wants rainbow sprinkles on his ice cream.
“Alien Man.” That’s a funny name for a person.
Mood ring says romantic; arm hair says otherwise.
You smell like dreams.
I just wanted to make sure I have all my nuts in a row.
Man I gotta release these vowels.
Now it just looks like your catheter exploded!
I got hurt playing kickball too. *wild laughter*
That tastes like what I would imagine Rasputin tastes like.
I trust you, I just don’t believe you.
Whoah. That’s a lot of big gulps.
Hey, I want Jameson too, but you don’t see me holding up a starship.
Getting paid to get laid by government-issued prostitutes!
Except I’ll probably find like 17 people I slept with. Well…that’s a nice round number…
Hair should not hurt when you move it.
Long time no see! Yeah, and this time I have clothes on.
I have no problem sleeping with her, I just don’t like her hair.
John Adams! Who’s that? Uh, a president. Oh, I only know of the beer.
Lee Harvey Oswald. Who’s that, a scientist?
Uretha Franklin.
You look like the kinda guy who would have ginger ale.
Oh yeah. A lotta fermented bananas that weekend.
There’s no way there’s poop in your bedroom.
This tastes like elf shit.
We should straight murder flocks of birds, is what I’m saying.
It’s my sister’s house. I can poop where I want.
Everyone’s going to church? I’m going to fuck shit up.
Oh, shit, there’s humans.
If you come back with a face tattoo, I’m going to be your best friend.
I don’t know why, but every time I see a bottle of Korbel my wiener gets a little hard.
It’s just like I said to Patrick: Shut the fuck up, Patrick.
Stop hanging out by my face.
If I’m gonna ruin your day, I’m gonna start way earlier.
We should get him a little humping rug. Everyone needs a humping rug.
He looked disgusted. But it might have just been his face.
Bird poop is definitely heavier than tomatoes.
I need to wash this sweatshirt. It smells like person.
Ahh, gentlemen. Ahh, grunts and things. Would you like some manly cocaine? Yes. Just rocks, please.
She just almost cheersed that old lady in the face.
I want to eat your feet! They look delicious.
He high-fived me in the face for a piece of bacon.
The power of soup compels you!
What alternative thing to watch would you like to watch? As an alternative?
You shake that moneymaker, because I want some more kimchee.
Why do you look so much like an elderly ghost?
It’s hard not to be an asshole.
What’s a good way to deliver delicious things to our mouths? Balls.
Maybe I will wake up a little bit and have some wine and eat a ball.
You can’t even fit that many thigh tattoos in your venue.
Is this band just called Beards and Glasses now or what?
If I had a super power, it would be to control carbon. Think about it: I could control everything. I could turn you into a fish, or I could break you apart. No ...
They’re like spaceships with fingers.
Don’t you wish you could play that Klingon game? No.
What kind of beer do you want? Just a regular beer.
I used to stock Rumpleminz, but every time I’d serve it, someone would end up crying.
I don’t really sports.
There you go. Now you look like a human. But not a real human.
I always say, the key to not looking suspicious is not looking suspicious.
Well, I don’t need to be a ninja warrior tonight. Sparkly or otherwise.