Let’s go to a yard sale! Yeah! I have a twenty in my pocket, so I could probably buy, like…a Nintendo…from a stupid idiot.
Well, does he want to eat all the food in Chinatown? Cause then he can be in my team.
He’s a shitty tipper and an okay person.
I wasn’t actually saying words. I was just saying things.
I don’t know what the fuck. Some old sailor was trying to tell me lore. It was crap.
Weren’t those two people Mark McGrath ?
”Grab Them by the Wormhole (When You’re the Emissary They Let You)” is the team name that made it worth being here tonight for Star Trek Triv...
God. Being weird and eating mulch: two things I can’t abide.
I want to take a bunch of CO2 and put it in your room.
I’m from the country. You want to wear that shit on your head, that’s fine with me.
Well, I had to buy some cheese. Cause that’s what old guys do.
He’s weird, and kind of a douche.
It’s more of a challenge for you. “Let’s see how stoned I can get and still do this.”
You’ve got a baby… Wait, hey, is he a toddler? He’s a bobbler.
We need a dog bridge. Like a troll bridge? Yes.
This is what I do. I get high at night and make science fiction star charts.
The Vikings Stadium is a huge ATM machine. Wait. That’s redundant. A huge AT machine.
Treats are not a guarantee and treats are not something that are promised to you.
Why would you put your finger in your ear? That finger has cheeseburger on it. You wouldn’t put a cheeseburger in your ear, would you? Cheeseburgers are f...
Hey. I am going to murder you. In the face. Your face will be completely murdered. What a fitting thing to happen to you.
Hey, can I sit with you guys? I have three hits of acid!
See you in two trillion jiffies.
Who owns the Dark Net? Our Dark Lord.
Do you ever look at pictures and think, I wonder if those people are dead?
Maybe one of the docs was wildly experimental and gave him some sort of spider juice.
Let’s play hygiene-hole. Hygiene-bags. Uh… Let’s play douche-bags. Yes!
My signature dish is revenge. And I like to throw it in the microwave just before serving it.
Can I get the weed pot?
Clarity is not very clear, am I right?
It’s got to be a horse wind-up. Then it turns out to be a salmon.
I wonder how my balls feel in the breeze.
Today’s a perfect day for ska music. Said no one ever.
Plants are way better than people.
I wonder if there’s a porn version of snapchat. Yeah. It’s called snapchat.
He sits on my boobs like they’re a chair. That’s why my boobs are so saggy. They’re a chair.
He’s doing some sort of a dog shank right now, just shaving down Jolly Ranchers and toothbrushes.
What if all string parts ever were electric guitar? I think that’s what the world sounds like to Dave Grohl.
If you breastfeed your child until adolescence, turns out you’re a villain.
I will never describe a drink as human flesh.
Snakes aren’t real things. They’re made of jello, they have no bones, and I hate them.
I would just wait until she got way too drunk and we’d put French fries on her head.
Thank you for the hug. I love you so much. Oh, and the drool. I love you a little bit less now.
I met my step goal by going to the bathroom!
Oh, Rod Stewart is too cool to put dates on his albums. Now I’m even less likely to listen to them.
You are the hole in the table.
Tell you what: I’ll get the pepper and you get the cock ring. That’s fucking teamwork.
Hey, look at this little piece of fried egg I found! I thought of you right away.
I think Ronald D. Moore directed this election season.
This coffee shop is this magical place where I don’t have to do anything, and all it costs me is the price of coffee. Except they’re starting to kno...
I was going to inform you via inappropriate selfie. The other option apparently was just not informing you. Things are very cut and dried in my world.
Nobody gets the cheese test while we’re playing the game.
Don’t poop on my computer, please.
I like having long nights full of sunshine.
Do you know of any emojis that are like a wizard? No. Can I ask you super cool questions like that more often? Sure.
I always say, if you have to crawl through a pile of kids to reach the mimosas, get that shit over with as early as possible.
I wish I were a seventy-year-old male so that I could fully appreciate us.
I don’t think you’re allowed to wear underwear in front of the children. They’re shorts. I’m European.
Hey, why haven’t you barked at any of these children yet? Do I have to do everything around here?
Listen to me very carefully. Each of you needs to bring two pairs of socks: one to wear and one because someone is going to forget their socks. Does everybody u...
It’s only going to move if I move it. That’s what it means to be inanimate.
Is it because her name is too long? Maybe it’s because her name is too dumb.
What’s a roti? It’s a burrito you can’t hold.
Maybe you and I together will be “a man.”
Important question: are Star Trek shirts in order, or are we going straight prosthetics?
I don’t know if I’ve ever really given myself such a long and convoluted way of amusing myself, but holy shit do I amuse myself.
Anyway, you’re six weasels with at least sixteen beers is my point.
Is there a point at which eating chocolate espresso beans will save me?
Hey, your makeup looks really good in this photo. Oh, I’m just tired. Well, I like your resting bitch face. Oh, that’s just my face.
You have to come home and be handsome in front of us.
I feel like when it’s your kid you don’t get to be a nanny. Then you’re just a dad.
This guy reminds me a lot of you. Which is probably why you impressed the pants out of him. I mean, off of him. I don’t know where he keeps his pants.
Also, if you ladies go to sleep, we’re probably gonna record an album.
I mean, give a guys a Christmas list and a tuna melt and you’re gonna have a nap sandwich.
Dude, the late seventies are when all the bass players straight up lost their minds. Bass players and drummers. They were all like, “whatever, shit sounds...
Very much looking forward to comparing notes! MUCH GARETH SUCH MACKENZIE STAPLER WOW
So where’s this guy? He’s just getting off work. Okay, I don’t know where that is. He’s coming down the highway in a little bit. …
It’s like they really want to be Stevie Wonder. I mean, if I wanted to listen to bullshit Stevie Wonder, I’d listen to 80’s Stevie Wonder.
You look like a stork wearing a dress. In the nicest way.
I dunno if I’d trust chocolate cake from a haunted hotel.
What kind of sausage is this? I dunno but it tastes like dove.
Are you puking vomit? Wait, yeah, that’s what you would be doing with vomit.
Is it an egg or a plant? That’s the real question.
I walked into a roomful of a bunch of people masturbating today.
I’m a little drunk, now that I sit down.
I wasn’t that drunk. I was just, you know, really sweaty.
Dude, that’s gotta be Greg Lake. No one sounds like that. Not even Greg Lake sounds like that.
I think you’re sleeping. I just think you’re really good at playing it off like you’re not.
Well, it’s a good thing you’re always right. No, I’m never always right.
Keep an eye out for black bondage leather.
Does anyone have a dollar? I couldn’t decide whether it was better to owe my guy a dollar or give him four quarters, but I’m not sure either is any ...
I’m gonna bring you a pirate’s patch.
He’s gotten really into pop music. Yeah? Which ones?
It’s like early country for punk.
Your legend looms large in my iPod. That is literally the greatest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Bend over, number four!! That’s my favorite thing you’ve ever heckled at a baseball game.
I’m really good at quickly identifying secret buttholes.
It’s real. Bigfoot told me.
He looks like a dead king.
No one waits until the last minute to check out. And if they do, I’ll cut them. Simple. I’m feisty.
She doesn’t need it. She’s annoying for no reason.
I was pretty drunk when I broke that bottle and left.
“Line up for your free mandatory gay taco.” Hey, I think I just said something no one in the world has ever said before!
I’ve never met a dongle that didn’t like to cuddle.
When I think of skunky, I think of a really bad Heineken.
There is nothing romantic about fisting.
OK, time to channel my inner Kirk. I guess that means I’ll go try to blow shit up and sleep with girls.
So many angles when it comes to butt stuff.
I’m already dominating. Give me another tater tot.
I met Toto in my dream. The band or the dog? The band.
We went to all the baby classes other than baby massage. I think you need an actual baby for that.
If anyone needs any help, I’m very good at dialing 9-1-1.
Dude, “wingbanging” sounds like such an excellent procedure.
So I pooped in a Light Bright the other day…
I don’t pay for sex. I’m just charming and handsome.
If thirteen people go see Jurassic World, do you know how much each raccoon has to spend?
Sometimes I think Mom is really thirteen raccoons in a Mom suit.
Will you have sex with my body? Yes. Especially if you phrase it like that.
I’m gonna lie to you all the time now. *gasp* That was a lie.
Woof—I am a belching fool right now! My compliments to the me!
I smell skunk. That’s weed. That’s the skunkiest weed I’ve ever smelled. That’s what weed smells like now, Mom.
I didn’t force it, I just pushed it.
He must be bald on top. He has a hat on.
We need to email him some beer.
What is with the top hat? It’s a nostalgia party…? Not from 1890!
Man, he’s not even really snapping. That shit is sampled. OK, now you’re being a dick. Correct.
Do you think they feel like they’re playing Guitar Hero right now? Or like they’re in a karaoke bar? What, I’m not being a dick, I’m jus...
Oh, that’s a cute little underwear supply store!
Man, there are lots of violent emojis available for rage.
God, I hate this. Pun not intended.
Awww, did you think we left you forever? We did. We’re gone. This isn’t us.
What is that bird doing? That’s a bat. What is that bat doing?
One time I sprained my ankle trying to train an armadillo to breakdance.
I think I accidentally created a jalapeño brother.
Take PTO to go to a charitable event. It feels spiteful.
Wanna know how many fucks I have to give? Oh….there’s none! Wait, let me dig deep…let me reach into the stars…nope, still none!
It’s like a table Zamboni!
I wonder if they did this photo shoot onsite, in the center of the earth. Hmm. I wonder. That’s something to sit and think about in silence.
What does a roasting pan look like? Does it have holes in it?
It doesn’t matter what spot you sit in, you’re still pregnant.
I’m not feeling the groove unless my pants are up to my nipples.
Keep your brats off my wife.
Sounds like a job for a librarian!
Or I just say fuck ’em and start flinging excrement in the air. That sounds like something I would do.
No. Not the nipples.
I’m gonna get a baritone guitar, make people poop.
It sounds like a Nintendo farting. That’s what an eight-bit fart sounds like.
I felt like it was time to elevate our relationship to a new level. Pink eye. We’re there.
That’s just the butter that “whoah-whoah” section needs to not be jerky. Because if there’s one solution to jerkiness it’s butter.
He’s a real almond brother.
Let’s not go there. You are stars today.
We could make some conversation popcorn! I guess I don’t know exactly what that means.
Out of curiosity, might you be hungry when you get home? Was gonna whip out a quick dinner and suddenly I’m balls deep in a giant stir fry.
YOU ARE RICK WAKEMAN. Thank you. That is the best compliment I have received in my life.
I like your ear hole.
Tell him we polled a random sampling. It tested well among the two of us.
My husband has informed me he doesn’t like the Moody Blues. We are therefore sleeping in separate beds until he apologizes.
Oh, what stupid f*cking landscaping sh*t are you doing now?
Wait, so he’s being attacked by anglerfish?
Let’s have a toast to cocktails. Here’s to cocktails!
Every day I get dressed for work I feel like a PBR inside an Indeed coozie.
I feel like a medieval warrior with this wine glass.
God, I hope I don’t have to go to clown school.
You’re the only baby here who doesn’t like me. I don’t get it.
It’s just that you’d be much happier if you weren’t scared of paper bags.
Update: prohibition is balls. I am also hangry, but for being outside with a beer. Also, there is no frozen yogurt here. Why did I fail at shopping???
You’re the only person I talk to about cults.
I don’t know. I’ve never done a dick spiral. Haha. I haven’t!! I know.
What the f*ck — are we in Wisconsin?? I’ll check.
I do not throw my laundry on the floor. I throw it in the laundry bucket.
I’m excited, I’m just scared of sleeping.
You’re embarrassing me in front of you.
That’s the worst, when all the snow melts and everything smells like poo.
You could lay down, but then you’d have to stop your anxious compulsions.
No offense, but I knew you in that era, and I don’t know how anyone was like, “Yeah, that’s manager material.”
I don’t fuck around when it comes to money. Well, my own money.
Together, we are like one and a half humans.
Yep, she’s just very slowly bouncing a chipmunk.
How can you manage? You can’t even manage your life!
Hey, that’s a cool hat. Yeah!
Hey, I’m recovering from major surgery. Don’t make me kick you directly in the nuts.
Oh, look, it’s honey! How cute! Let’s stop and buy some, and clog up all the traffic, and burn twenty gallons of gas getting all the way out here fr...
Help! Gandalf is looking in my window! . . . You know, like it’s blindingly bright, and I’m blinded now. Don’t take this the wrong way, but so...
Do you want to have dinner before your meeting at six? Yep, my meeting’s at six. Right. Have you figured out what you want to eat? Sure, we can figure som...
That was quite the face you made. Well, that was quite the thing you did.
Well, I don’t know what to tell you. Tell me. No, I don’t know what to tell you. TELL ME.
Yeah. You’re awesome. You look like Kuato.
I mean, how much corn is too much corn? Is there too much corn?
Are you live-tweeting your Leprechaun movie experience??
We have merged. We are now one being. What do we want to watch tonight, us?
My ears were the same size as always. My head just got much fatter along with my body, now.
Do yoga pants count? They have the word “pants” in them . . .
Yes, excuse me, I would like to go to purple town?
I’m gonna go get that dog turd, I’m gonna roll it up, and if you smoke it, I’ll give you a million dollars.
Chimps can be nasty. They kill each other. Well, so do humans.
She killed a rabbit. No, she stunned it. She . . . stunned it to death.
I hate that Joker. I want him to drop his balls.
Um, if you find out how March got here, you let me know.
I would totally have a threesome with you and Scott Bakula. Oh yeah?
What are you doing? Swinging my arms — what are you doing?