Passive-aggressive parenting 101 omg

Why would you put your finger in your ear? That finger has cheeseburger on it. You wouldn’t put a cheeseburger in your ear, would you? Cheeseburgers are for going into your mouth. Don’t put a cheeseburger finger in your ear. Meal time isn’t for fun, it’s for putting food in your mouth so it can go into your stomach. Not for putting cheeseburger fingers in your ears.

Same thing

He sits on my boobs like they’re a chair. That’s why my boobs are so saggy. They’re a chair. 

Kids and mimosas

I always say, if you have to crawl through a pile of kids to reach the mimosas, get that shit over with as early as possible.