That is how that works
I was twins, but apparently I dominated that womb.
Month: February 2010
Fucking grandpa
I had to de-friend my grandfather because I like to say f*ck.
I look forward to this
Someday, all of our lower jaws will be disconnected.
Dude that rules
I mean, they’re starting to make reality shows about you.
He’s a dusty guy
Oh, he loves dustballs. Sometimes I call him Dust Man.
Must be expensive
I should almost have my husband look, but he charges.
Agreed to both
I love you, and I’m really glad you’re drunk.
Both equally
Not only are you drunk on beer, you’re drunk on cheese.
Literally never
Sometimes crazy arms are really effective.
Walked right into that
What does the sponge tool do in PhotoShop?Gives everyone square pants.
Yelp that shit bro
I just got back from the bonecracker. At one point, he twisted my head clean off, and I was all “Dude, put my head back on!” and he was all “A...
Was it as awesome as it sounds
I remember very clearly trying to make a peace offering with an ice cream cone once.
Who doesn’t do that
She used to do things just to me. I’m talking like pee on me when my parents weren’t looking.
I mean you might
You’d think if you ate a whole can of salmon there wouldn’t be any fat in it.
Looking on the bright side
Dude, this retainer is pretty cool. It’s like bling for my mouth.
The Great Will Riker Underwear Debate
Young Will Riker? Will “I Don’t Wear Underwear” Riker? …OK, I made that up, but it’s probably true.
Killing people is in no way maniacal
I would kill 8 people to be trapped in a Target. Don’t take that in a maniacal way. Oh, OK — I’ll take that in the other way.
Goofoot = a serious condition
I stepped in some goo. I have goo on my foot. I have goofoot.
I really need this game
Hey, if you happen to go to a game store and you find that game, just get it for me and I’ll reimburse you when you get it. I mean, when you give it to me...
Then what happened
I’ll always remember the last words my father said: “I’m drunk!”
Sounds serious
I was three months pregnant with that urine.
Tell me tell me
The amount of fun smacking around I want to do is directly proportional to the quality of the dinner I receive.
That’s the good shit
Well, that’s kind of a relief because I thought I was smoking dope. That’s how you know it’s good — you only think you’re smoking ...
How sad
This is giving me the sads.
I can only imagine
Imagine the biggest disaster ever, and it was kind of like that.
Such a magician
“I didn’t know you could do that.” Well, you couldn’t before. I just created it. I’m a magician, you see.
Universe
This is the universe apologizing for the last three days.
At least there’s that
I haven’t eaten lunch yet and my stomach just made a huge rumble.At least it wasn’t your uterus.
Ahhhhhhhhhh
She said, it’s getting really warm in here, and I said, well that’s because there’s a flying saucer above your car — get out!
Excellent point sir
There’s not many things in life guys brag about being smaller. Cell phones, and external hard drives. That’s about it.
You may be missing the point
Oh my god, I have to show you this Onion article. It was sooooo sad.
Astute
Not everything is possible.
Than your own?
It’s always more fun to steal someone else’s wife.
Captained a pirate
Steph told me they pirated a captain. Wait, no.
Of course
So, you spent the week humping.
Something with a bridge or something
What bridge? Your sex bridge? ….oh, I thought maybe a troll under the bridge.
The most romantic of holidays
My friend just got engaged!!She didn’t wait until Flag Day? What a weirdo.
Every day is a good nacho day
Today would have been a good day for someone to bring in nachos for the whole office.…Why?Because today is a good nacho day.
The boots of a rock star
Nice boots.Thanks. You look like a rock star today.Thanks.
Not terribly but thanks
So I was reading an article, on polygamy, and I was thinking we should try it. Are you interested?