Hold onto that receipr
Hey — if the world does end in 2012, do you think I could get my money back on this?
Month: March 2010
Omg just tell me
I may or may not have opened your candy.
The stuff ’90s dreams are made of
Does anyone have a hacky sack?Yes, I have one downstairs. Right next to my collection of Pogs.
Don’t tell me my business
See, it’s like trout and pizza. You wouldn’t want to eat a trout pizza.
Consistency is everything
When I hold her, do I look like a maniac that might drop her at any second?You kind of look like that even before you hold her.
God learn some etiquette
Well, I’m on the phone, and it’s like — you don’t go over to someone’s house and start yelling at them. You stand in their side ya...
Both are true
Is this can supposed to indicate that Diet Coke is good for your heart?No, it’s supposed to indicate that Coca Cola loves us.
Unrelated facts
I want every single thing he put in his mouth. Plus, he’s a babe.
Nice sideburn
We need a side profile shot of your face.Yeah, cause that’s my favorite sideburn side.
Speak for yourself
Hey. Grow some weiner curtains.
Thanks doc
Honey is a byproduct of bees and flowers having sex.
It’s called the death limp
The first sign of being dead: you limp.
Or 1990s amiright
Bush with attitude — that’s so 1970s.
How many kidneys do you have tho
I literally had one glass, and I woke up in a bathtub two hours later.
So he rules is what you’re saying
Then again, I also saw him eat a raw hamburger off a rock, so…
You and me both
As soon as dogs start learning how to make whiskey sours, I’m getting one.
That’s just your opinion man
You don’t like anything good.
How’d you know
He looks like a pirate, and it’s super cute.Why? Did he get a peg leg while he was gone?
Understandable
I have to go look at it. She’s already picked it out.So why do you have to go look at it?Because I’m married.
I’ve heard it both ways
But I feel like it’s kind of ruining alcohol. Or maybe it’s just bettering the water.
How’s that going for you
I’m just recovering from being dead.
Mind your business
Have you been touching things?
Of course
We are going to have a goodbye party for her. After she leaves, of course.
He was given a hero’s farewell
You kept the cockroach, of course? We killed it. Sad. We named it Frank after the hotel manager.
It is now
And we can put our underwear in the freezer… that’s a thing, right?
Sometimes it’s hard
It must be tough, to be so tough. Is it tough?
Spoiler alert
If anyone’s getting laid in my bed it isn’t going to be either of us.
Money-hungry
I’m just so money-hungry, I’m always looking for something to bill.
Too late for pants
It’s perfect timing, because I just put on pants.
We don’t have all day
I want to slap him, but I also kind of want to give him a million dollars.
Bless you
What, Mary was a virgin? OK, that means I’m a virgin.