First question: How smart are you? Second question: Do you have a Nintendo…
Let’s go to a yard sale! Yeah! I have a twenty in my pocket, so I could probably buy, like…a Nintendo…from a stupid idiot.
Author: Overheard in My Living Room
The answer is yes.
Well, does he want to eat all the food in Chinatown? Cause then he can be in my team.
He’s a shitty tipper and an okay person.
He’s a shitty tipper and an okay person.
Same thing with you
I wasn’t actually saying words. I was just saying things.
Keep your lore away from me, sir
I don’t know what the fuck. Some old sailor was trying to tell me lore. It was crap.
Basically yes
Weren’t those two people Mark McGrath ?
#NeverSisko
”Grab Them by the Wormhole (When You’re the Emissary They Let You)” is the team name that made it worth being here tonight for Star Trek Triv...
Literally the worst two things
God. Being weird and eating mulch: two things I can’t abide.
Cool threat guy
I want to take a bunch of CO2 and put it in your room.
Racoon hats from the country
I’m from the country. You want to wear that shit on your head, that’s fine with me.
Spoiler alert: old guys buy cheese
Well, I had to buy some cheese. Cause that’s what old guys do.
Tell me how you really feel
He’s weird, and kind of a douche.
Stoner challenge
It’s more of a challenge for you. “Let’s see how stoned I can get and still do this.”
Toddler or bobbler
You’ve got a baby… Wait, hey, is he a toddler? He’s a bobbler.
Like a troll bridge
We need a dog bridge. Like a troll bridge? Yes.
Best mural ever
This is what I do. I get high at night and make science fiction star charts.
ATM machine
The Vikings Stadium is a huge ATM machine. Wait. That’s redundant. A huge AT machine.
What are they then Ma
Treats are not a guarantee and treats are not something that are promised to you.
Passive-aggressive parenting 101 omg
Why would you put your finger in your ear? That finger has cheeseburger on it. You wouldn’t put a cheeseburger in your ear, would you? Cheeseburgers are f...
Thanks for the warning
Hey. I am going to murder you. In the face. Your face will be completely murdered. What a fitting thing to happen to you.
I mean has anyone said no to that
Hey, can I sit with you guys? I have three hits of acid!
How long is that again
See you in two trillion jiffies.
Truth
Who owns the Dark Net? Our Dark Lord.
Good question tho
Do you ever look at pictures and think, I wonder if those people are dead?
Not your typical surgery procedure
Maybe one of the docs was wildly experimental and gave him some sort of spider juice.
I’ve heard it both ways
Let’s play hygiene-hole. Hygiene-bags. Uh… Let’s play douche-bags. Yes!
Sounds really delicious
My signature dish is revenge. And I like to throw it in the microwave just before serving it.
Serious question
Can I get the weed pot?
True story
Clarity is not very clear, am I right?
Stop.
Stop stopping!
I mean who really knows
It’s got to be a horse wind-up. Then it turns out to be a salmon.
Probably cold
I wonder how my balls feel in the breeze.
Seriously tho
Today’s a perfect day for ska music. Said no one ever.
Truth.
Plants are way better than people.
Duh
I wonder if there’s a porn version of snapchat. Yeah. It’s called snapchat.
Same thing
He sits on my boobs like they’re a chair. That’s why my boobs are so saggy. They’re a chair.
Dogs in prison are amazing.
He’s doing some sort of a dog shank right now, just shaving down Jolly Ranchers and toothbrushes.
Mozart would poop himself
What if all string parts ever were electric guitar? I think that’s what the world sounds like to Dave Grohl.
Game of thrones style, amiright
If you breastfeed your child until adolescence, turns out you’re a villain.
God I hope not
I will never describe a drink as human flesh.
Tell usssss how you really feel
Snakes aren’t real things. They’re made of jello, they have no bones, and I hate them.
Sounds like a cool lady
I would just wait until she got way too drunk and we’d put French fries on her head.
Dogs are weird
Thank you for the hug. I love you so much. Oh, and the drool. I love you a little bit less now.
Thanks for sharing that publicly
I met my step goal by going to the bathroom!
A man has no date
Oh, Rod Stewart is too cool to put dates on his albums. Now I’m even less likely to listen to them.
But I love you
You are the hole in the table.
That’s fucking teamwork
Tell you what: I’ll get the pepper and you get the cock ring. That’s fucking teamwork.
You’re bad at eating is what I’m saying
Hey, look at this little piece of fried egg I found! I thought of you right away.
Coffee and silence, please
This coffee shop is this magical place where I don’t have to do anything, and all it costs me is the price of coffee. Except they’re starting to kno...
All selfies are inappropriate
I was going to inform you via inappropriate selfie. The other option apparently was just not informing you. Things are very cut and dried in my world.
Save the cheese for later guys
Nobody gets the cheese test while we’re playing the game.
Computer pooping
Don’t poop on my computer, please.
Sunny Nights
I like having long nights full of sunshine.
Wizard emojis
Do you know of any emojis that are like a wizard? No. Can I ask you super cool questions like that more often? Sure.
Kids and mimosas
I always say, if you have to crawl through a pile of kids to reach the mimosas, get that shit over with as early as possible.
I too wish this
I wish I were a seventy-year-old male so that I could fully appreciate us.
European shorts
I don’t think you’re allowed to wear underwear in front of the children. They’re shorts. I’m European.
Quit slacking and start barking
Hey, why haven’t you barked at any of these children yet? Do I have to do everything around here?
Bring your socks
Listen to me very carefully. Each of you needs to bring two pairs of socks: one to wear and one because someone is going to forget their socks. Does everybody u...
Inanimate objects
It’s only going to move if I move it. That’s what it means to be inanimate.
Is it because her name is too long? Maybe it’s
Is it because her name is too long? Maybe it’s because her name is too dumb.
Can’t hold a burrito
What’s a roti? It’s a burrito you can’t hold.
Let’s be a man
Maybe you and I together will be “a man.”
Shirts or prosthetics
Important question: are Star Trek shirts in order, or are we going straight prosthetics?
I don’t know if I’ve ever really given myself su
I don’t know if I’ve ever really given myself such a long and convoluted way of amusing myself, but holy shit do I amuse myself.
Six weasels, sixteen beers
Anyway, you’re six weasels with at least sixteen beers is my point.
Is there a point at which eating chocolate espress
Is there a point at which eating chocolate espresso beans will save me?
Hey, your makeup looks really good in this photo.
Hey, your makeup looks really good in this photo. Oh, I’m just tired. Well, I like your resting bitch face. Oh, that’s just my face.
Do it now
You have to come home and be handsome in front of us.
Dads aren’t nannies.
I feel like when it’s your kid you don’t get to be a nanny. Then you’re just a dad.
This guy is terrible
This guy reminds me a lot of you. Which is probably why you impressed the pants out of him. I mean, off of him. I don’t know where he keeps his pants.
Fair warning
Also, if you ladies go to sleep, we’re probably gonna record an album.
I mean, give a guys a Christmas list and a tuna me
I mean, give a guys a Christmas list and a tuna melt and you’re gonna have a nap sandwich.
Music History 101
Dude, the late seventies are when all the bass players straight up lost their minds. Bass players and drummers. They were all like, “whatever, shit sounds...
Well I was anyway
Very much looking forward to comparing notes! MUCH GARETH SUCH MACKENZIE STAPLER WOW
So where’s this guy?He’s just getting off work
So where’s this guy? He’s just getting off work. Okay, I don’t know where that is. He’s coming down the highway in a little bit. …
It’s like they really want to be Stevie Wonder. I
It’s like they really want to be Stevie Wonder. I mean, if I wanted to listen to bullshit Stevie Wonder, I’d listen to 80’s Stevie Wonder.
You look like a stork wearing a dress. In the nice
You look like a stork wearing a dress. In the nicest way.
I dunno if I’d trust chocolate cake from a haunte
I dunno if I’d trust chocolate cake from a haunted hotel.
What kind of sausage is this?I dunno but it tast
What kind of sausage is this? I dunno but it tastes like dove.
Are you puking vomit? Wait, yeah, that’s what you
Are you puking vomit? Wait, yeah, that’s what you would be doing with vomit.
Is it an egg or a plant? That’s the real question
Is it an egg or a plant? That’s the real question.
Room full of people masturbating
I walked into a roomful of a bunch of people masturbating today.
I’m a little drunk, now that I sit down.
I’m a little drunk, now that I sit down.
I wasn’t that drunk. I was just, you know, really
I wasn’t that drunk. I was just, you know, really sweaty.
Dude, that’s gotta be Greg Lake. No one sounds li
Dude, that’s gotta be Greg Lake. No one sounds like that. Not even Greg Lake sounds like that.
I think you’re sleeping. I just think you’re rea
I think you’re sleeping. I just think you’re really good at playing it off like you’re not.
Well, it’s a good thing you’re always right.No
Well, it’s a good thing you’re always right. No, I’m never always right.
Always duh
Keep an eye out for black bondage leather.
Does anyone have a dollar? I couldn’t decide whet
Does anyone have a dollar? I couldn’t decide whether it was better to owe my guy a dollar or give him four quarters, but I’m not sure either is any ...
I’m gonna bring you a pirate’s patch.
I’m gonna bring you a pirate’s patch.
He’s gotten really into pop music.Yeah? Which o
He’s gotten really into pop music. Yeah? Which ones?
It’s like early country for punk.
It’s like early country for punk.
Your legend looms large in my iPod.That is liter
Your legend looms large in my iPod. That is literally the greatest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Bend over, number four!!That’s my favorite thin
Bend over, number four!! That’s my favorite thing you’ve ever heckled at a baseball game.
I’m really good at quickly identifying secret but
I’m really good at quickly identifying secret buttholes.
It’s real. Bigfoot told me.
It’s real. Bigfoot told me.
He looks like a dead king.
He looks like a dead king.
No one waits until the last minute to check out. A
No one waits until the last minute to check out. And if they do, I’ll cut them. Simple. I’m feisty.
She doesn’t need it. She’s annoying for no reaso
She doesn’t need it. She’s annoying for no reason.
I was pretty drunk when I broke that bottle and le
I was pretty drunk when I broke that bottle and left.
Like weddings, gay tacos are mandatory
“Line up for your free mandatory gay taco.” Hey, I think I just said something no one in the world has ever said before!
I’ve never met a dongle that didn’t like to cudd
I’ve never met a dongle that didn’t like to cuddle.
When I think of skunky, I think of a really bad He
When I think of skunky, I think of a really bad Heineken.
There is nothing romantic about fisting.
There is nothing romantic about fisting.
OK, time to channel my inner Kirk. I guess that me
OK, time to channel my inner Kirk. I guess that means I’ll go try to blow shit up and sleep with girls.
So many angles when it comes to butt stuff.
So many angles when it comes to butt stuff.
I’m already dominating. Give me another tater tot
I’m already dominating. Give me another tater tot.
I met Toto in my dream.The band or the dog?The
I met Toto in my dream. The band or the dog? The band.
We went to all the baby classes other than baby me
We went to all the baby classes other than baby massage. I think you need an actual baby for that.
Everyone has a skill
If anyone needs any help, I’m very good at dialing 9-1-1.
Dude, “wingbanging” sounds like such an excellen
Dude, “wingbanging” sounds like such an excellent procedure.
So I pooped in a Light Bright the other day…
So I pooped in a Light Bright the other day…
I don’t pay for sex. I’m just charming and hands
I don’t pay for sex. I’m just charming and handsome.
That is some serious math
If thirteen people go see Jurassic World, do you know how much each raccoon has to spend?
Sometimes I think Mom is really thirteen raccoons
Sometimes I think Mom is really thirteen raccoons in a Mom suit.
Will you have sex with my body? Yes. Especially i
Will you have sex with my body? Yes. Especially if you phrase it like that.
I’m gonna lie to you all the time now.*gasp*T
I’m gonna lie to you all the time now. *gasp* That was a lie.
Woof—I am a belching fool right now! My complime
Woof—I am a belching fool right now! My compliments to the me!
I smell skunk. That’s weed. That’s the skunkie
I smell skunk. That’s weed. That’s the skunkiest weed I’ve ever smelled. That’s what weed smells like now, Mom.
I didn’t force it, I just pushed it.
I didn’t force it, I just pushed it.
He must be bald on top. He has a hat on.
He must be bald on top. He has a hat on.
We need to email him some beer.
We need to email him some beer.
What is with the top hat?It’s a nostalgia party
What is with the top hat? It’s a nostalgia party…? Not from 1890!
NOT EVEN SNAPPING
Man, he’s not even really snapping. That shit is sampled. OK, now you’re being a dick. Correct.
Do you think they feel like they’re playing Guita
Do you think they feel like they’re playing Guitar Hero right now? Or like they’re in a karaoke bar? What, I’m not being a dick, I’m jus...
Oh, that’s a cute little underwear supply store!
Oh, that’s a cute little underwear supply store!
Man, there are lots of violent emojis available fo
Man, there are lots of violent emojis available for rage.
God, I hate this. Pun not intended.
God, I hate this. Pun not intended.
Awww, did you think we left you forever? We did. W
Awww, did you think we left you forever? We did. We’re gone. This isn’t us.
What is that bird doing?That’s a bat.What is
What is that bird doing? That’s a bat. What is that bat doing?
One time I sprained my ankle trying to train an ar
One time I sprained my ankle trying to train an armadillo to breakdance.
I think I accidentally created a jalapeño brother
I think I accidentally created a jalapeño brother.
Take PTO to go to a charitable event. It feels spi
Take PTO to go to a charitable event. It feels spiteful.
Wanna know how many fucks I have to give? Oh….th
Wanna know how many fucks I have to give? Oh….there’s none! Wait, let me dig deep…let me reach into the stars…nope, still none!
It’s like a table Zamboni!
It’s like a table Zamboni!
I wonder if they did this photo shoot onsite, in t
I wonder if they did this photo shoot onsite, in the center of the earth. Hmm. I wonder. That’s something to sit and think about in silence.
What does a roasting pan look like? Does it have h
What does a roasting pan look like? Does it have holes in it?
It doesn’t matter what spot you sit in, you’re s
It doesn’t matter what spot you sit in, you’re still pregnant.
I’m not feeling the groove unless my pants are up
I’m not feeling the groove unless my pants are up to my nipples.
Keep your brats off my wife.
Keep your brats off my wife.
Not an oxymoron
Sounds like a job for a librarian!
Just throw the poop already
Or I just say fuck ’em and start flinging excrement in the air. That sounds like something I would do.
Anything but the nipples
No. Not the nipples.
I’m gonna get a baritone guitar, make people poop
I’m gonna get a baritone guitar, make people poop.
It sounds like a Nintendo farting. That’s what an
It sounds like a Nintendo farting. That’s what an eight-bit fart sounds like.
I felt like it was time to elevate our relationshi
I felt like it was time to elevate our relationship to a new level. Pink eye. We’re there.
That’s just the butter that “whoah-whoah” secti
That’s just the butter that “whoah-whoah” section needs to not be jerky. Because if there’s one solution to jerkiness it’s butter.
He’s a real almond brother.
He’s a real almond brother.
Let’s not go there. You are stars today.
Let’s not go there. You are stars today.
Popcorn is definitely worth a conversation
We could make some conversation popcorn! I guess I don’t know exactly what that means.
Balls deep in a stir fry
Out of curiosity, might you be hungry when you get home? Was gonna whip out a quick dinner and suddenly I’m balls deep in a giant stir fry.
YOU ARE RICK WAKEMAN. Thank you. That is the best
YOU ARE RICK WAKEMAN. Thank you. That is the best compliment I have received in my life.
I like your ear hole.
I like your ear hole.
Tell him we polled a random sampling. It tested we
Tell him we polled a random sampling. It tested well among the two of us.
Shut up nobody doesn’t like the Moody Blues
My husband has informed me he doesn’t like the Moody Blues. We are therefore sleeping in separate beds until he apologizes.
Come the fuck inside sir
Oh, what stupid f*cking landscaping sh*t are you doing now?
You would disintegrate and become gonads
Wait, so he’s being attacked by anglerfish?
Toast that shit
Let’s have a toast to cocktails. Here’s to cocktails!
Every day I get dressed for work I feel like a PBR
Every day I get dressed for work I feel like a PBR inside an Indeed coozie.
I feel like a medieval warrior with this wine glas
I feel like a medieval warrior with this wine glass.
God, I hope I don’t have to go to clown school.
God, I hope I don’t have to go to clown school.
ALL BABIES LOVE ME GODDAMMIT
You’re the only baby here who doesn’t like me. I don’t get it.
It’s just that you’d be much happier if you were
It’s just that you’d be much happier if you weren’t scared of paper bags.
Update: prohibition is balls. I am also hangry, bu
Update: prohibition is balls. I am also hangry, but for being outside with a beer. Also, there is no frozen yogurt here. Why did I fail at shopping???
You’re the only person I talk to about cults.
You’re the only person I talk to about cults.
I don’t know. I’ve never done a dick spiral. Ha
I don’t know. I’ve never done a dick spiral. Haha. I haven’t!! I know.
What the f*ck — are we in Wisconsin?? I’ll chec
What the f*ck — are we in Wisconsin?? I’ll check.
I do not throw my laundry on the floor. I
I do not throw my laundry on the floor. I throw it in the laundry bucket.
Nothing bad could possibly happen in your sleep
I’m excited, I’m just scared of sleeping.
You’re embarrassing me in front of you.
You’re embarrassing me in front of you.
Snow smells
That’s the worst, when all the snow melts and everything smells like poo.
True, they are mutually exclusive
You could lay down, but then you’d have to stop your anxious compulsions.
Not a manager
No offense, but I knew you in that era, and I don’t know how anyone was like, “Yeah, that’s manager material.”
I don’t fuck around when it comes to money. Well,
I don’t fuck around when it comes to money. Well, my own money.
We look weird but it’s fine
Together, we are like one and a half humans.
Yep, she’s just very slowly bouncing a chipmunk.
Yep, she’s just very slowly bouncing a chipmunk.
You can’t manage
How can you manage? You can’t even manage your life!
We are in agreement then
Hey, that’s a cool hat. Yeah!
You are responsible for your own actions sir
Hey, I’m recovering from major surgery. Don’t make me kick you directly in the nuts.
Goddamn fucking honey
Oh, look, it’s honey! How cute! Let’s stop and buy some, and clog up all the traffic, and burn twenty gallons of gas getting all the way out here fr...
Help! Gandalf is looking in my window! . . .
Help! Gandalf is looking in my window! . . . You know, like it’s blindingly bright, and I’m blinded now. Don’t take this the wrong way, but so...
What is happening here with the meetings
Do you want to have dinner before your meeting at six? Yep, my meeting’s at six. Right. Have you figured out what you want to eat? Sure, we can figure som...
Truly the right reaction
That was quite the face you made. Well, that was quite the thing you did.
Goddammit tell me
Well, I don’t know what to tell you. Tell me. No, I don’t know what to tell you. TELL ME.
Yeah. You’re awesome. You look like Kuato.
Yeah. You’re awesome. You look like Kuato.
I mean, how much corn is too much corn? Is
I mean, how much corn is too much corn? Is there too much corn?
It’s halloween bitches
Are you live-tweeting your Leprechaun movie experience??
We are now one being
We have merged. We are now one being. What do we want to watch tonight, us?
My ears were the same size as always. My head just
My ears were the same size as always. My head just got much fatter along with my body, now.
They have the word pants in them
Do yoga pants count? They have the word “pants” in them . . .
All aboard for purple town
Yes, excuse me, I would like to go to purple town?
Dollars for turds
I’m gonna go get that dog turd, I’m gonna roll it up, and if you smoke it, I’ll give you a million dollars.
No way humans never kill each other
Chimps can be nasty. They kill each other. Well, so do humans.
Stunned to death
She killed a rabbit. No, she stunned it. She . . . stunned it to death.
I hate that Joker. I want him to drop his balls.
I hate that Joker. I want him to drop his balls.
Very confused by this thing you call calendars
Um, if you find out how March got here, you let me know.
I mean tell me you wouldn’t
I would totally have a threesome with you and Scott Bakula. Oh yeah?
And it’s glorious
What are you doing? Swinging my arms — what are you doing?