Category: Family Matters

Keep your brats off my wife.

You’re the only baby here who doesn’t like me. I don’t get it.

I know nothing. But you’re the husband! Exactly.

It’s my sister’s house. I can poop where I want.

I know it’s like a pregnant belly thing, to want to touch him in the face…

Maybe there will be food and beer served during the ceremony. Probably not, though.

Aww. It’s like you’re all in love with each other or something.

Yes, we are still balls deep in family.

I love blaming things on kids. I do it every day.

I think I just took a wedding crap on your brain and productivity. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

I want kids that are magically three and starting to learn and be curious. I don’t want to, like, *have* the kids. That is called adoption. Oh, good point...

Boy, planning a Lisa-Frank-themed wedding has been harder than I thought. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

I’m sorry — I was distracted by babies and friends. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

We were very passive children. Almost noodley. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

I love her. She’s my boyfriend. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

That’s Grandpa. I moved him over there hoping that his midsection would come back to life. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

That would suck if there were babies in there. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Lots of hot moms. Lots of money rolling through that town. So, if I get one of them pregnant, are we rich? Yes. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Don’t ever have kids, for real. Adopt an 8-year-old. Just make sure they have all their teeth before you bring them home. Published with Blogger-droid v1....

If my mom was like that, I’d bring her to the bar. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

That’s where all bad smells come from, is babies. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Love does not make a marriage work. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Would you like to join me in the children’s park? Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.3

I’m losing your baby in my dreams. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.3

Bring the babies closer to the swordfight. Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.9

Alright everybody, ready to sit around in a circle and get loaded? With family? Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.9

What’s bad about daycare? Well, it’s run by the klan. Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.7

I’m going to have a shitty weekend. Why? Because I’m married? Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8

I think I was more slowdancing with your mother.

He just said he’s expecting again!What! A baby!No, a package from UPS.Shut up.

Ohh, it’s for behavior modification. Don’t tell my wife, or I’ll end up wearing a full-body cone.

First you should get married, because when you get married you get a Kitchen Aid mixer.

I have to go look at it. She’s already picked it out.So why do you have to go look at it?Because I’m married.

I had to de-friend my grandfather because I like to say f*ck.

I should almost have my husband look, but he charges.

She used to do things just to me. I’m talking like pee on me when my parents weren’t looking.

Hey, if you happen to go to a game store and you find that game, just get it for me and I’ll reimburse you when you get it. I mean, when you give it to me...

I’ll always remember the last words my father said: “I’m drunk!”

It’s always more fun to steal someone else’s wife.

So I was reading an article, on polygamy, and I was thinking we should try it. Are you interested?

I just need to start going up to girls and saying, “I want to be a stay-at-home dad, and you look pretty well-to-do…”

I always tell my kids: Marry your second wife first.

I mean, seriously. What if I had an ugly baby? I like to think I’m more grown-up than that, but…