First question: How smart are you? Second question: Do you have a Nintendo…
Let’s go to a yard sale! Yeah! I have a twenty in my pocket, so I could probably buy, like…a Nintendo…from a stupid idiot.
Category: Overheard
The answer is yes.
Well, does he want to eat all the food in Chinatown? Cause then he can be in my team.
He’s a shitty tipper and an okay person.
He’s a shitty tipper and an okay person.
Serious question
Can I get the weed pot?
Wizard emojis
Do you know of any emojis that are like a wizard? No. Can I ask you super cool questions like that more often? Sure.
I too wish this
I wish I were a seventy-year-old male so that I could fully appreciate us.
I don’t know if I’ve ever really given myself su
I don’t know if I’ve ever really given myself such a long and convoluted way of amusing myself, but holy shit do I amuse myself.
Is there a point at which eating chocolate espress
Is there a point at which eating chocolate espresso beans will save me?
Hey, your makeup looks really good in this photo.
Hey, your makeup looks really good in this photo. Oh, I’m just tired. Well, I like your resting bitch face. Oh, that’s just my face.
Do it now
You have to come home and be handsome in front of us.
This guy is terrible
This guy reminds me a lot of you. Which is probably why you impressed the pants out of him. I mean, off of him. I don’t know where he keeps his pants.
Are you puking vomit? Wait, yeah, that’s what you
Are you puking vomit? Wait, yeah, that’s what you would be doing with vomit.
Room full of people masturbating
I walked into a roomful of a bunch of people masturbating today.
Always duh
Keep an eye out for black bondage leather.
I was pretty drunk when I broke that bottle and le
I was pretty drunk when I broke that bottle and left.
Like weddings, gay tacos are mandatory
“Line up for your free mandatory gay taco.” Hey, I think I just said something no one in the world has ever said before!
I’ve never met a dongle that didn’t like to cudd
I’ve never met a dongle that didn’t like to cuddle.
When I think of skunky, I think of a really bad He
When I think of skunky, I think of a really bad Heineken.
There is nothing romantic about fisting.
There is nothing romantic about fisting.
OK, time to channel my inner Kirk. I guess that me
OK, time to channel my inner Kirk. I guess that means I’ll go try to blow shit up and sleep with girls.
So many angles when it comes to butt stuff.
So many angles when it comes to butt stuff.
I’m already dominating. Give me another tater tot
I’m already dominating. Give me another tater tot.
I met Toto in my dream.The band or the dog?The
I met Toto in my dream. The band or the dog? The band.
Everyone has a skill
If anyone needs any help, I’m very good at dialing 9-1-1.
Dude, “wingbanging” sounds like such an excellen
Dude, “wingbanging” sounds like such an excellent procedure.
So I pooped in a Light Bright the other day…
So I pooped in a Light Bright the other day…
I don’t pay for sex. I’m just charming and hands
I don’t pay for sex. I’m just charming and handsome.
That is some serious math
If thirteen people go see Jurassic World, do you know how much each raccoon has to spend?
Will you have sex with my body? Yes. Especially i
Will you have sex with my body? Yes. Especially if you phrase it like that.
I’m gonna lie to you all the time now.*gasp*T
I’m gonna lie to you all the time now. *gasp* That was a lie.
Woof—I am a belching fool right now! My complime
Woof—I am a belching fool right now! My compliments to the me!
I smell skunk. That’s weed. That’s the skunkie
I smell skunk. That’s weed. That’s the skunkiest weed I’ve ever smelled. That’s what weed smells like now, Mom.
I didn’t force it, I just pushed it.
I didn’t force it, I just pushed it.
He must be bald on top. He has a hat on.
He must be bald on top. He has a hat on.
We need to email him some beer.
We need to email him some beer.
What is with the top hat?It’s a nostalgia party
What is with the top hat? It’s a nostalgia party…? Not from 1890!
Do you think they feel like they’re playing Guita
Do you think they feel like they’re playing Guitar Hero right now? Or like they’re in a karaoke bar? What, I’m not being a dick, I’m jus...
Oh, that’s a cute little underwear supply store!
Oh, that’s a cute little underwear supply store!
God, I hate this. Pun not intended.
God, I hate this. Pun not intended.
Awww, did you think we left you forever? We did. W
Awww, did you think we left you forever? We did. We’re gone. This isn’t us.
I think I accidentally created a jalapeño brother
I think I accidentally created a jalapeño brother.
Take PTO to go to a charitable event. It feels spi
Take PTO to go to a charitable event. It feels spiteful.
Wanna know how many fucks I have to give? Oh….th
Wanna know how many fucks I have to give? Oh….there’s none! Wait, let me dig deep…let me reach into the stars…nope, still none!
It’s like a table Zamboni!
It’s like a table Zamboni!
I wonder if they did this photo shoot onsite, in t
I wonder if they did this photo shoot onsite, in the center of the earth. Hmm. I wonder. That’s something to sit and think about in silence.
What does a roasting pan look like? Does it have h
What does a roasting pan look like? Does it have holes in it?
It doesn’t matter what spot you sit in, you’re s
It doesn’t matter what spot you sit in, you’re still pregnant.
I’m not feeling the groove unless my pants are up
I’m not feeling the groove unless my pants are up to my nipples.
Keep your brats off my wife.
Keep your brats off my wife.
Not an oxymoron
Sounds like a job for a librarian!
Just throw the poop already
Or I just say fuck ’em and start flinging excrement in the air. That sounds like something I would do.
Anything but the nipples
No. Not the nipples.
I’m gonna get a baritone guitar, make people poop
I’m gonna get a baritone guitar, make people poop.
It sounds like a Nintendo farting. That’s what an
It sounds like a Nintendo farting. That’s what an eight-bit fart sounds like.
I felt like it was time to elevate our relationshi
I felt like it was time to elevate our relationship to a new level. Pink eye. We’re there.
That’s just the butter that “whoah-whoah” secti
That’s just the butter that “whoah-whoah” section needs to not be jerky. Because if there’s one solution to jerkiness it’s butter.
He’s a real almond brother.
He’s a real almond brother.
Let’s not go there. You are stars today.
Let’s not go there. You are stars today.
Popcorn is definitely worth a conversation
We could make some conversation popcorn! I guess I don’t know exactly what that means.
Balls deep in a stir fry
Out of curiosity, might you be hungry when you get home? Was gonna whip out a quick dinner and suddenly I’m balls deep in a giant stir fry.
YOU ARE RICK WAKEMAN. Thank you. That is the best
YOU ARE RICK WAKEMAN. Thank you. That is the best compliment I have received in my life.
I like your ear hole.
I like your ear hole.
Tell him we polled a random sampling. It tested we
Tell him we polled a random sampling. It tested well among the two of us.
Shut up nobody doesn’t like the Moody Blues
My husband has informed me he doesn’t like the Moody Blues. We are therefore sleeping in separate beds until he apologizes.
Come the fuck inside sir
Oh, what stupid f*cking landscaping sh*t are you doing now?
You would disintegrate and become gonads
Wait, so he’s being attacked by anglerfish?
Toast that shit
Let’s have a toast to cocktails. Here’s to cocktails!
Every day I get dressed for work I feel like a PBR
Every day I get dressed for work I feel like a PBR inside an Indeed coozie.
I feel like a medieval warrior with this wine glas
I feel like a medieval warrior with this wine glass.
God, I hope I don’t have to go to clown school.
God, I hope I don’t have to go to clown school.
ALL BABIES LOVE ME GODDAMMIT
You’re the only baby here who doesn’t like me. I don’t get it.
It’s just that you’d be much happier if you were
It’s just that you’d be much happier if you weren’t scared of paper bags.
Update: prohibition is balls. I am also hangry, bu
Update: prohibition is balls. I am also hangry, but for being outside with a beer. Also, there is no frozen yogurt here. Why did I fail at shopping???
You’re the only person I talk to about cults.
You’re the only person I talk to about cults.
I don’t know. I’ve never done a dick spiral. Ha
I don’t know. I’ve never done a dick spiral. Haha. I haven’t!! I know.
I do not throw my laundry on the floor. I
I do not throw my laundry on the floor. I throw it in the laundry bucket.
Nothing bad could possibly happen in your sleep
I’m excited, I’m just scared of sleeping.
You’re embarrassing me in front of you.
You’re embarrassing me in front of you.
Snow smells
That’s the worst, when all the snow melts and everything smells like poo.
True, they are mutually exclusive
You could lay down, but then you’d have to stop your anxious compulsions.
Not a manager
No offense, but I knew you in that era, and I don’t know how anyone was like, “Yeah, that’s manager material.”
I don’t fuck around when it comes to money. Well,
I don’t fuck around when it comes to money. Well, my own money.
We look weird but it’s fine
Together, we are like one and a half humans.
Yep, she’s just very slowly bouncing a chipmunk.
Yep, she’s just very slowly bouncing a chipmunk.
You can’t manage
How can you manage? You can’t even manage your life!
We are in agreement then
Hey, that’s a cool hat. Yeah!
You are responsible for your own actions sir
Hey, I’m recovering from major surgery. Don’t make me kick you directly in the nuts.
Goddamn fucking honey
Oh, look, it’s honey! How cute! Let’s stop and buy some, and clog up all the traffic, and burn twenty gallons of gas getting all the way out here fr...
Help! Gandalf is looking in my window! . . .
Help! Gandalf is looking in my window! . . . You know, like it’s blindingly bright, and I’m blinded now. Don’t take this the wrong way, but so...
What is happening here with the meetings
Do you want to have dinner before your meeting at six? Yep, my meeting’s at six. Right. Have you figured out what you want to eat? Sure, we can figure som...
Truly the right reaction
That was quite the face you made. Well, that was quite the thing you did.
Goddammit tell me
Well, I don’t know what to tell you. Tell me. No, I don’t know what to tell you. TELL ME.
Yeah. You’re awesome. You look like Kuato.
Yeah. You’re awesome. You look like Kuato.
I mean, how much corn is too much corn? Is
I mean, how much corn is too much corn? Is there too much corn?
It’s halloween bitches
Are you live-tweeting your Leprechaun movie experience??
We are now one being
We have merged. We are now one being. What do we want to watch tonight, us?
My ears were the same size as always. My head just
My ears were the same size as always. My head just got much fatter along with my body, now.
They have the word pants in them
Do yoga pants count? They have the word “pants” in them . . .
All aboard for purple town
Yes, excuse me, I would like to go to purple town?
Dollars for turds
I’m gonna go get that dog turd, I’m gonna roll it up, and if you smoke it, I’ll give you a million dollars.
No way humans never kill each other
Chimps can be nasty. They kill each other. Well, so do humans.
I hate that Joker. I want him to drop his balls.
I hate that Joker. I want him to drop his balls.
Very confused by this thing you call calendars
Um, if you find out how March got here, you let me know.
I mean tell me you wouldn’t
I would totally have a threesome with you and Scott Bakula. Oh yeah?
And it’s glorious
What are you doing? Swinging my arms — what are you doing?
Sounds like a personal problem
I don’t think my middle finger can reach the stink.
I mean you do you
If brats are boiling in beer, don’t drink the beer.
Let me see that tax return sir
Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t pay for handies.
Touche
Some say I’m unique. (in a Sam Neill voice) But that’s not what I’m gonna do!
Hey you said it
Well, this was kind of a shitty pour. But the good news is that it’s still beer. I didn’t alter it in any way.
Seems logical
You know the single best way to make vegetarian food taste better? Bacon.
I mean what else is new
I got a little lit up last night by myself and started eating like an asshole.
Don’t worry about it
It just lingers, like the feeling of a touch. Ummm, what did you just say?!
No nothing like that god
I need an advent calendar for the whole year. You mean like…a normal calendar?
Truth
Life is what happens in between treats.
Get used to it sir
I know nothing. But you’re the husband! Exactly.
Yeah you know that guy
You know: Jimmy The Rock Lennon.
Accurate assessment
Lots of butt stuff today.
Such empathy srsly
Oh, poor The Browns.
Indeed
Time is weird.
What else is new
It’s 9am and I have a hankerin’ for some pasties.
Such a beautiful world
One of my clients is doing a website for a pot dispensary. She is noticeably high in all of our meetings. It’s funny, then extremely annoying.
Just like that
I mean look at that guy. It’s like General Patton marching into that war he conquered.
Never really a good time
I mean, how do you have that conversation with your drug dealer about his spelling?
In case you were not aware
Your eyelashes are glued onto the bottom of your face.
Hopes remain high
Let’s see how weird I can get.
Or maybe Yoda
Clay Matthews for Halloween this year is going as a beard.
Science is real
I have a bowl of genetically altered cornflakes every morning!
Fargo is a dick
Fargo stole my money and murdered me, so I have to go home now.
Don’t know how I missed that one
Oh, did I tell you? I put my butt on his tour bus.
Because reasons
I only wish I had a baby. That would be the best prop.
Don’t we all
I have a Pavlovian response to handsome magic.
I don’t even
Is this where you get your isotopes? Cause it’s local?
Asking for a friend
Alright, who jizzed in my beer? That’s my beer! Who jizzed in your beer?
I’m waiting…
Prove you’re not a robot. I’ll prove you’re not a robot…
I’m not playing Scrabble with you ever
I’ll take 10,000 of your longest words, please.
Probably Waterworld amiright
Oh, of course it’s not rewound. Yeah, because everyone who likes that movie is a dick.
Biology never lies
Yeah, I was like nine. And there’s this scene where Jamie Lee Curtis strips, and that’s when I knew I wasn’t gay.
Looks like pincushion to me
If you’re gonna draw your sword on anyone, that’s the guy.
Arguable
Insane robotic Japanese Veggie Tales trumps life.
Such enthusiasm
I think sonically, it’s going to be insane.
You poor bastard
You remind me of John Travolta way too much.
Valid point
Trek yo’self before you wreck yo’self.
Literally the truth
There’s nothin’ like a temperate rainforest.
You have not
We need to stop at the liquor station. The liquor store? I’ve heard it both ways.
Good thanks for clarifying
That’s the mentality. And by that I mean: the mental thought.
Let’s see the evidence sir
You can’t really butt-fuck a cigar.
Incidentally I love weddings
If anybody gets a hand job from a bridesmaid, I’ll give them twenty bucks. It’s all about the motivation. As if the handy isn’t motivation eno...
Everyone needs a skill
I’m really good at finding stuff. So if you lose your purse or anything, I should be able to help.
Well then, Mr. Scientist
How old are you? I’m a scientist.
Don’t tell me my chin business sir
Ladies love a bald chin. You gotta shave that.
It’s really the only choice
I want to kiss Lando Calrissian. I’m doing it. I want to taste his mustache.
Serious overreaction
So what happens then? They slit your wrist? Or take your children?
Get used to it sucka
Oh, you’re spilling your beer… I always spill my beer.
Satan has excellent taste
Satan wants rainbow sprinkles on his ice cream.
You don’t know
“Alien Man.” That’s a funny name for a person.
We are complex beings
Mood ring says romantic; arm hair says otherwise.
No you smell like dreams
You smell like dreams.
Phew okay
I just wanted to make sure I have all my nuts in a row.
Word vomit amiright
Man I gotta release these vowels.
No bueno
Now it just looks like your catheter exploded!
Also sprained my ankle in table tennis once what
I got hurt playing kickball too. *wild laughter*
So delicious then
That tastes like what I would imagine Rasputin tastes like.
As long as I know where I stand
I trust you, I just don’t believe you.
I mean is quantity really the issue
Whoah. That’s a lot of big gulps.
Starfleet officers like their booze I guess
Hey, I want Jameson too, but you don’t see me holding up a starship.
How does one get this job
Getting paid to get laid by government-issued prostitutes!
Oh messy life
Except I’ll probably find like 17 people I slept with. Well…that’s a nice round number…
Ideally no no it should not
Hair should not hurt when you move it.
Both fortunate events
Long time no see! Yeah, and this time I have clothes on.
Priorities
I have no problem sleeping with her, I just don’t like her hair.
I mean pretty close
John Adams! Who’s that? Uh, a president. Oh, I only know of the beer.
He wishes
Lee Harvey Oswald. Who’s that, a scientist?
God.
Uretha Franklin.
I take that as a compliment sir
You look like the kinda guy who would have ginger ale.
I don’t want to know
Oh yeah. A lotta fermented bananas that weekend.
Within realm of possibility tho
There’s no way there’s poop in your bedroom.
But do you like it is the question
This tastes like elf shit.
I’m in, fuck ’em
We should straight murder flocks of birds, is what I’m saying.
Your sister may not agree but hey
It’s my sister’s house. I can poop where I want.
Good they’re gone
Everyone’s going to church? I’m going to fuck shit up.
Yikes wasn’t expecting those
Oh, shit, there’s humans.
Just in case that changes anything
If you come back with a face tattoo, I’m going to be your best friend.
I appreciate the honesty
I don’t know why, but every time I see a bottle of Korbel my wiener gets a little hard.
Remember that time?
It’s just like I said to Patrick: Shut the fuck up, Patrick.
Srsly tho
Stop hanging out by my face.
Maybe tomorrow then
If I’m gonna ruin your day, I’m gonna start way earlier.
Speak for yourself please
We should get him a little humping rug. Everyone needs a humping rug.
Cool face
He looked disgusted. But it might have just been his face.
Cool sciencing bro
Bird poop is definitely heavier than tomatoes.
Truly the worst
I need to wash this sweatshirt. It smells like person.
Cool conversation there guys
Ahh, gentlemen. Ahh, grunts and things. Would you like some manly cocaine? Yes. Just rocks, please.
Better luck next time
She just almost cheersed that old lady in the face.
Back off lady
I want to eat your feet! They look delicious.
Did it work tho
He high-fived me in the face for a piece of bacon.
Prove it
The power of soup compels you!
I’m good thanks
What alternative thing to watch would you like to watch? As an alternative?