Serious question
Why do you look so much like an elderly ghost?
Category: Overheard
Excellent formula
You shake that moneymaker, because I want some more kimchee.
Honesty is everything
It’s hard not to be an asshole.
Food should always come in ball form is what I’m saying
What’s a good way to deliver delicious things to our mouths? Balls.
Lured by balls, as usual
Maybe I will wake up a little bit and have some wine and eat a ball.
I mean they don’t take up that much room
You can’t even fit that many thigh tattoos in your venue.
They are now
Is this band just called Beards and Glasses now or what?
No one thinks of carbon.
If I had a super power, it would be to control carbon. Think about it: I could control everything. I could turn you into a fish, or I could break you apart. No ...
So fucking amazing then
They’re like spaceships with fingers.
Don’t lie to me
Don’t you wish you could play that Klingon game? No.
Great I’ll just order that then
What kind of beer do you want? Just a regular beer.
End the prohibition
I used to stock Rumpleminz, but every time I’d serve it, someone would end up crying.
Tell me about it
I don’t really sports.
Thanks I think
There you go. Now you look like a human. But not a real human.
Good starting point anyway
I always say, the key to not looking suspicious is not looking suspicious.
Good to be prepared tho
Well, I don’t need to be a ninja warrior tonight. Sparkly or otherwise.
Wasn’t gonna say anything but
You know, I noticed you had lost weight when I was wiping up your lap.
Don’t we all
I wish I had more dicks.
That’s the most evil you can think of huh
It just says super evil shit. Like “I’m gonna rip your leg off and poop,” stuff like that.
Really my true nature
I want to bash everything over the head and drag it to my cave.
Yeah, you know
Well, dolls are just creepy. You know, when they look at you for a long time.
Story of my life
Well, I’ve clearly not spent enough time in front of a Poison poster. This is my first time. I am not a Poison poster.
That may not be the problem
I know it’s like a pregnant belly thing, to want to touch him in the face…
So many possibilities
Who am I thinking of? Not Rod Stewart, the other guy I hate.
Sound logic
I want a girlfriend so I can get a dog.
God tell me about it
I would like to eat too much of a brownie someday.
Literally
Oh, yeah, that’s when we saw that kid get his pants rocked off. No…really.
Thanks for the recap
I think we’ve just reached the middle of this conversation.
Probably exactly what happened
What kind of a name is Willem? Like, his mom got lazy on the birth certificate, or fell asleep while dictating.
Hear hear
Scott Bakula is a timeless being. He’s like a time lord.
Getting old amiright
Our fans are older. They’ve got shit to do.
We are very violent this is true
It’s like they don’t trust us. Like we’re a rock that likes to bang against glass.
Not that kind of ceremony actually
Maybe there will be food and beer served during the ceremony. Probably not, though.
Tell me about it
“Book of Shadows”…which one is that? I don’t know, every movie with a book? And shadows?
But how is her makeup always perfect, answer that
I think that’s why I like New Girl, is that it’s not science fiction.
Dude where’d you get those
These sunglasses feel amazing. I’m invisible.
Correct
No world could have enough sex.
Moving on up then
It’s the first time I’ve seen him make anything from a recipe other than taco meat.
Literally what are you talking about
Jim Proctor? Yes. Like a proctologist? Yes. So, he’s a proctologist? Well, maybe as a hobby.
The trifecta really
Coffee and blow — what else is there? All we need is lunch!
How about that local political convention
It’s been a nonstop moronathon.
Boy have I got the pet for you
I love diabetes and cats!
I mean what are my options
Do you want to get double pregnant?
Back off Mr. Squiggles please
He’s a dog. He doesn’t have to have a last name. …says the girl who wants to throw him a birthday party.
How’s you guess
Something tells me you have an ex-girlfriend tied up in the trunk of your car.
It was a B side
So she’s a “Sexy Editor”? Awesome! Sounds like a Hall and Oates song.
Give the man what he needs, Jennings
Doctor Jennings! My prescription is a sack!
Accurate verb
Clay Matthews like…bat-caved him!
Something tells me it’s been a while
I didn’t know you guys were open on Sundays. Its not a church! Wait. I mean…
No not weird at all *runs*
I want to know how they die. I mean, I know how they die. I want to see them die. Does that sound weird?
Worst drive ever
Follow that rickshaw! I am not following a rickshaw.
Harry Potter
She invented him. She drew pictures of him before he ever existed. But he was still a person!
Srsly tho go away
Come on. I’m just making conversation. Well, make it on someone else.
And the problem being
Sorry, my wizard kinds looks like a stoned Santa. Who is being played by Jesus.
And you call yourself a musician
I don’t know, I’m not going to get all expressive about playing “Hot Cross Buns.”
Love is real
Aww. It’s like you’re all in love with each other or something.
What a swell guy
He drew me a rocket too, but mine looks less like balls.
It has that effect some- *snore*
If I wasn’t so full, I think I’d be angrier. All this food is making me kind of docile.
God srsly
Just go over and sack Harbough.
Debatable
Penis noses need holes.
Srsly grow up
Grow up. Get a snowmobile.
The secret of happiness
He’s only happy when he’s being held or eating. Well, I guess so am I.
A sad day for all of us
I will never forget the day I finally googled Robert Siegel and found that he does not in fact look like George Takei.
Sawyer dreams are the best dreams
Sawyer and Jack were both in my dream last night. They both wanted to be with me. Who did you pick? You know, Jack made a very convincing case. Which is weird, ...
Is both not an option
I don’t know if I should be proud of myself or worried about myself that I can recognize Michael Palin’s nose.
Okay I spaced out for a minute there thx
Yes, we are still balls deep in family.
Best not to wonder out loud
Hey, I wonder whose hoe that is.
Science is real
I’ve got my smart water for my dumb choices last night.
Maybe both, life is short
He looks like he should run a biker bar. Or an Amish store.
Sounds exhausting
Nice dance — what have you been watching lately? Nineteen flopper movies.
Well good
She didn’t ruin everything. Just when she was talking.
What did we learn
When I picked up that burning log earlier I burned my thumb.
To each her own
I’m not crazy about him making monkey sounds, though. I could pass on that.
That’s pretty much it yeah
All I remember about The Matrix is…a sweaty cult dance?
I know because I’ve done it
It’s like walking right into someone’s mouth.
God I hate baseball players
He does look like a baseball player. I don’t know what I was thinking.
Worth spitting into anyway
Not quite the Grand Canyon, but a “pretty sweet” canyon.
Makes sense
He’s making a spear. For murder.
So you’re saying I’m a wizard
Take your bra off. Let me see those warlocks.
Excellent question sir
How long would he have to wait to kill someone with that spear for it not to be first-degree murder?
Oh good
I proved to be good in the woods.
Just an expensive piece of paper really
I mean, I’m a nurse. So I don’t know much.
Often confused
That was a woman, I think. No, that was Fred Armisen.
And they say romance is dead
There’s moments, when we’re playing Mario, when both our controllers are shaking.
Prove it
He’s the touchable type.
Strict lodging requirements
I didn’t bring my dog, so I can’t sleep in the spare bed.
By the way, I wouldn’t spread that around
By the way, at first I thought that candle was a chicken of some sort.
No it was definitely chopping
What? Oh, chopping. At first I thought you said popping. Like in popping and locking.
The struggle is real
Yeah. Its hard to keep track of things.
I’m in
Can we have a murder drinking game? I mean, if anyone feels like drinking by then?
Similar
I feel like I’m in Middle Earth. Or London.
Not that weird actually
It’s weird, what goes on here. I mean, sugar is a product of alcohol breaking down.
I’m definitely in
Let’s smoke pot and not wear bras!
Don’t make him blush you guys
Hey, you’re an actor, right? Well, kind of — I’m a comedian. Ohhh, the famous comedian!
Valid question
How am I supposed to Instagram my shitty day?
Your resourcefulness astounds me srsly
They don’t sell bowls at Trader Joe’s? Buy an apple.
So why would I want to PIPE DOWN LINDA
If it doesn’t hurt your nose, you’re not doing it right.
That’s my strategy
I love blaming things on kids. I do it every day.
Hey cool
I feel like a Superman. Because I am.
I call this winning sir
I just signed up for a bean bag league? What am I doing with my life…
So are you gonna eat yours or
So, these corn burgers are made out of fungus…
I would
Why do you think traffic sucked so much? Because it’s so nice out? Yeah. People are just driving around, rubbernecking the weather.
The sweetest death wish
I will take a shot for every person who buys my book. I may be mildly buzzed, but I’ll still probably be able to drive home. Aww, I hope you die of alcoho...
So railings then
I think it’s one of those standard things that’s on a ship. You never know who’s going to fall over.
I know I do
I think we can all appreciate that Clay Matthews discovered conditioner.
Keep dreaming
I’m imagining two women and a bedazzler. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Meaning what exactly
Do we have any dessert-type material? Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Oh one of those
Yeah, it’s a complete protein. So you can eat it and feel good, and feel smug at the same time. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Sounds complicated
I got up to pee, and I almost fell asleep I was in there so long. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Don’t care
I have no cares. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Accurate
It’s tired in here. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Three two one
Between the two of you you could be shirtless in moments. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Deal
Come closer to me so it’s easier for me to punch you. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
High praise sir
I want to take my pants off. It’s very good. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Thanks for the education sir
…but man, now I know so much about meth. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Sounds like a new invention, good job sir
Cheese + meat is probably also good to stuff into meat. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Prove it sir
A sphincter could crush an egg. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
That is never happening
You should make some ludafisk! No. We’d get evicted. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Never my love
Do not stop looking like a banana. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
You and me both son
A few times I have had to raise my voice, and it only makes me want to start drinking. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Srsly let’s play right now
The “fake” D&D was always the best. I used to play as a janitor, and I’d always remove my pants…My character would, not me. Publish...
Good morning to you too sir
You look like a barn troll. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
That was rude
I think I just took a wedding crap on your brain and productivity. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
The feeling is mutual
I love your body wash. And your body. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
We’re watching it immediately
For some reason at home I have this outrageous DVD about cuttlefish. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
You will face the final reckoning
I probably would run if I saw a troll Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Do I do I really
You know how I hate accidental cheese. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Tomorrow doesn’t look good either
My brain is not accepting submissions at this time. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
It’s why I come in every day
Jim is trying to eat my brain today. I desperately want to be there to see that. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
And what if you do
Frank Sinatra is not a multi-instrumentalist. Not unless you count the triangle, the tambourine, and the eyes. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Can or should
You can skip past my beer thoughts. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Can’t argue with you there
I would rather drink boxed wine than make decisions. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4
Seems normal to me
i can’t type for hsit naymore Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
You win
It’s your rule; you lie in it. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Nothing really
What do you want me to do besides drink? Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Lemme guess
Who’s got two thumbs and is randomly awesome occasionally? Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Well then
I don’t know what the world is anymore. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Keep that shit to yourself sir
For ne, that was the most exciting part — clubbing the fish to death with a rock. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Time will tell
Hey, nice soul patch! Yeah, I don’t have a lot of soul to patch, but we’ll see. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Good just checking
Are you Larry? So far… Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Accurate representation
The lack of sleep is Captain Picard, the alcohol is Riker, and they turn their keys, and I self-destruct. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Keep telling yourself that sir
Here’s the thing. It’s not that I drink “too much” — I’m not drunk, when I fall asleep at bars. I’m just really fuckin...
Sort of?
I don’t like creme brulee — isn’t that the burned pudding? Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
This is the best idea
Can we do it, while I’m eating lamb? Yeah — if I can tell people that story. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Just the right amount I think
Do you think she is on too much meth for our website? Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
That’s your opinion sir
He shouldn’t be smiling. He should be dead. Or at least looking dead. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Don’t hold me in anticip
That is ridiculous. You mean ridiculously awesome. Finish your thoughts, please. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
All in all a fine day
We ordered room service, had naked eggs benedict, had a great morning. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Always accept a compliment
Nice tits. Thanks. I’m not a lesbian. Either way, thanks.
I honestly don’t either
I’ve been so into Gene Simmons lately. I have no idea why. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Do they have a name for that or
You know that blind spot we have in our vision, where our brain fills it in automatically? I have that in my ears, but for chimes. Published with Blogger-droid ...
Hey how bout shut up
Hey, maybe after this we could listen to some showtunes? Maybe some late nineties Billy Joel? Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Semantics
I want kids that are magically three and starting to learn and be curious. I don’t want to, like, *have* the kids. That is called adoption. Oh, good point...
Is it that obvious
Did you guys feel left out because you have boyfriends but no dogs? Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
I’ve heard it both ways
Man, my dogs are barking. I’ll be right back. You know that doesn’t mean you have to poop, right? Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Either way
Your dog’s hanging out. I mean, your tongue’s hanging out. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Yes shut up
What, are you like the Robin Hood of Blockbuster? Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
I wasn’t going to say anything
I think I’m going to make Facebook profiles for my dogs. I bet they get more friends than me. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
They never really did you know
Sadly, now that she suspects I’m an atheist, my pleas of “do it for Jesus” don’t really work anymore. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6....
Taste is everything
Boy, planning a Lisa-Frank-themed wedding has been harder than I thought. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Well you can’t have everything Sheila
It would be nice if I didn’t have to search for you in bathrooms anymore. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
It might help TBH
I can’t eat any more food or I’ll fall asleep. Do you want me to punch you in the face? Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
No one is stopping you sir
This song makes me want to take e and touch people I don’t know. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Shit you’re onto me
Are you trying to fatten up your bridesmaids? Is this a Hansel and Gretel meal right now? Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Oh phew thanks
Spoiler alert: he didn’t drink his own rat tail. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Traditions are everything
She always puts ridiculous things in her hair on celebrations in my honor. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
I mean I can
Can you capitalize an exclamation point? Make it super exciting? Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
I have that gift
You really know how to make a penis sound dirty. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Seriously go ban yourself
Ugh, I’m sorry. I’m being a major Holden Caulfield today. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Something along those lines
It does look like Jesus. Or some religious hippie thing. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Start a petition sir
Why isn’t there an emoticon for holding a gun to my own head? Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
He’ll never know good plan
I’m going to get him hammered on blackberry brandy. Secretly. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
So you are a Klingon then
I like my drinks like I like my food: fighting back. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Understandable
I’m sorry — I was distracted by babies and friends. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Oh that was you
The last time I saw you, you were yelling at a garbage. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
At least you have a code
I will believe something when I hear something. Or something. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
I’m going on break then
Is there a timeline for this? Yes, but there are no numbers. So it’s just a straight line. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Um
I just feel naked without my hat. And my father. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
I too am glad
I’m glad I didn’t wear suspenders tonight. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
This is absolutely true
If Seth Godin ruled the world, the internet wouldn’t suck so bad. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Let’s check it out immediately
It sounds like semen and failure down there. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Impressive they are
Man, for being so slow they sure are hard to catch up with. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
You too please
Have an experimental night and a titillating tomorrow! Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Project management: the struggle is real
I’m just annoyed. I don’t think they’ve done anything. Also, I think they have snaggletooth. It helps me, to think they’re ugly. Publish...
And if they are beef
Unless your keys are made out of beef, I’m pretty sure sending a dog after them isn’t going to help. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
I do
And he kept saying he hopes I have a good life. I don’t know why that makes me feel weird. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Know thyself
We were very passive children. Almost noodley. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Fuck
There is literally a shortage of bits on the internet today. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
I can be very convincing
No, Santa will not give you a margarita. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Pets benefit us in many ways
I love how puppies sleep on top of each other. Oh, and speaking of teabagging, one totally has his ass covering the other’s face. Published with Blogger-d...
You’re a weird hippie srsly
I mean, he was a weird hippie, but you know, he was well-spoken, kind of interesting, he didn’t smell– Oh, he smelled. …Oh. Well. Published wi...
Kind of you sir
No, I can’t leave my fiancee on her wedding-hair night. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Why would I do this
Go to this creepy-looking health store, get your blood drained or something. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Good
Are you grossed out by gross things? Oh, I like gross things. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Good I’ll hold
So you’re saying you think asking a Monday-through-Friday online publishing company to work with you manually on Saturdays is a reasonable request? Yes, s...
Mmmm
I just typed something about “as soon as you hit the space bar,” and I went all Homer Simpson with a thought bubble. Mmmm… space bar… Pu...
Are they mutually exclusive tho
Are they going to soundcheck, or is this like a jazz odyssey kind of thing? Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8