The only unit of measure
I hate to go to vegetarian restaurants without a tape measure. Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.5.2
Category: Overheard
Dibs on the pooping
I call dibs on pooping in the shower first! Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.3.1
Thanks for clarifying
No, I always look like this, but I usually just sit here and look at monkeys. Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.3.1
Ahh yes
What’s she doing in town? She just wants to sit with people more, and do the things… Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
Twenty bucks and you’re on
I kind of want to get your dog to lick my kid in the face. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
Die happy tho
I’d be a terrible pet owner. I’d just feed them cheese every day of their life, and they’d live for 6 months. they’d have a good life, t...
Just like that
Is she one of those people who likes to take things away from themselves? Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
Good point
Why would you want spring water? Animals poop in springs. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
Monstrous
You know, it’s funny — in a horror movie, when there’s “monster” involved it’s a bad thing, but with food, the word “m...
I second the pearls
I would only order oysters if I could harvest the pearls for profit. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
Refined palate sir
Mmmm, tastes like high blood pressure. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
The enjoyment did not diminish
These cigarettes were 75 cents off, but they’re still delicious. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
I too am glad
I’m glad I got to service you. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
Bold claim sir
I’m the Indiana Jones of sex toys. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
Sound diagnosis
It was probably a heat thing. Like overheating, or something to do with heat. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
Thanks for the warning
I’m going to get sickeningly close to you, buttface. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
So close yet so far
I thought it would be like sunburn, but it was more like a real burn. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
I would like to see that
If my brain could stick out some crazy arms and wave them around, it would. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
Delete
I know too many things. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
How’s it going then
He’s been trying to come up with a big baby head for awhile. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
Well they were delicious
This is for decoration, not your mouth. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
Phone stoner
I just called a wrong number, and the person who answered was totally stoned. “WHO??” Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
Oh well then
I’m going to have a shitty weekend. Why? Because I’m married? Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
That is exactly what happened
I was going to be a boy, but my parents probably weren’t going to name me Leonard. It must have been when I ate that other twin when I turned into a girl....
Debatable
It’s better to look good than to feel good. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8
Just in case
I did bring a margarita to a Mexican restaurant. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.7
It is that good
I want to cry right now I’m so happy. I want to shove it in my mouth. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.7
Secs-y
Can you come over here for a sec? I have all the secs you want! Um…wait. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.6
Lucky bastard
I feel like Wayne Coyne. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.6
I’m familiar
I’m familiar with these. What are they? Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.6
Best idea ever
I want Bruce Dickinson to sing the Bible. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.6
You wizard
I can do it with anything. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.6
Excellent
All good things come to… me. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.6
Which will accomplish something anyway
I need a masssage, so I’m going to sit on the couch with a beer and watch golf. In my underwear. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.6
Excuse me
That was my rogue finger, sorry. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.6
That’s the goalie
Didn’t he use his hands? That’s the goalie. He’s allowed to do that. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.1
Totally wasn’t listening
No, it’s alright, I’m listening. Can you start over? Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.1
Boring apps are the worst apps
I’m annoyed by the lameness of the appetizers sampler. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.1
God
I should have checked my blind spot for your mergings. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.1
Talented little ladies
My boobs frequently save people from being arrested. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.1
You know that guy
I think it’s Thomas, but it might be Robert. One of those fatherly names.I think it’s Gary.That could also be it.
Surprise
All I think about is getting laid, and domain names.
Thank you
Your squishy things line up better than mine do.
More Comic Sans please
Comic Sans?? I don’t think so.
Both valid questions
I really want to know how Talking Heads can end up on my Rammstein Pandora station. I really want to know how you can end up listening to a Rammstein Pandora st...
Accidental bacon
I once force-fed a vegan bacon. Well, not on purpose.
Good story
I have some random stuff in my fanny pack.
Food and brats
Ok, there’s food here, and there’s brats too.
Weird but okay
I’m not supposed to have broccoli because it makes me vomit. If I have more than one, I puke it.
None of it was legal
I’ve taken a lot of medication, and all of it was legal. That’s a lie.
Go on
I have a Weezer of a question for you…
Wooo
We have quite the collection of sexy people.
Thank you
Sometimes when I think of you I actually think of you as a Ninja Turtle.
Just so I know where I stand
We joke because we hurt.
Both
Are you making fun of me or are you fingers not finging today either?
Audrey Hepburn or laundry
Is that your Audrey Hepburn look?No, it’s my I-need-to-do-laundry look.
Understandable
I think I lost it last night in my car when I was listening to Peter Gabriel.
No
Can we just make a pact where your poop stays inside your body?
Actually a diagram
No — a Venn diagram isn’t a drink, it’s a diagram.
Well shut up then
I don’t have to use words. I’m too good for words.
Memorable habit
I guess I’m kind of hard to forget. I mean, I throw pumpkins at people’s faces. That doesn’t happen too often.
Interesting habit
He’ll probably poop out of habit, but at least you’ll be safe.
She disagrees
I think I was more slowdancing with your mother.
Keep up the volunteer work
Ok, just continue to do nothing, and we’re good.…Can I have that job?
So perfect then
I look like Björk if she’s electrocuted.
What do you think I’m doing exactly
Do you have a sweater shaver?No, but I have a PedEgg, that might work.
Masks and robes
Hey, the Ninja Turtles don’t wear anything but belts, and their sensei wears a kimono.They also wear masks.Yeah, but they’re not fooling anyone.
Shhh listen
You could hear the poop fall out of the trees!
The best day
I had my iPod on and I was walking along the river, and all of a sudden I was surrounded by a group of Corgis and lesbians. It was the best day.
What good are you then
I don’t actually know how to make boobs bigger. That’s one thing I haven’t learned how to do.
Rarely ends well always
Getting people drunk in order to do something is always a great first step. It alwasy ends well. …Well, it rarely ends well.
Accurate
The first time I met her she was dressed like Madonna.
Either way
I’m going to look like Audrey Hepburn, or a scientist.
I would eat tacos every day
Tacos? If I get tacos again tomorrow I am jumping off this boat.
Reach for the stars sir
In a utopian society, like in Star Trek or something, I would be, like, a high-ranking assistant administrator.
What do you mean now
Although now I’m going to make a point of pooping in the showers of friends with dogs, just so they get confused.
Lucky
I just saw a guy with a perm. Just sayin’. Totally made my morning.
Yikes
My undies were literally in a bunch.
Maybe both
Am I that forgettable, or do these people just drink a lot of whiskey?
I only dance when I’m good
There’s a reason I only dance when I’m drunk. That’s when I start thinking I’m good.
WTF is a collar bone srsly
…so, you’re young, and pretty hip…my son is dating a new lady friend and he tells me she has her collarbones pierced. What is that??
I expect a lot
He just said he’s expecting again!What! A baby!No, a package from UPS.Shut up.
Possibly not true
I was more drunk than most people in Florida.
Shit on my face and tell me that you love me
Do you use foundation that you’re really happy with? I hate the feeling of sh*t on my face. Um. I guess that’s probably typical of most people thoug...
Correct sir
At first I thought you wrote so poorly because the original email was written so poorly. Now, I realize that you’re drunk.
You don’t know
So the Hindu reading guy left me a free copy of his book and it smells so good. Like an Indian spice buffet. I keep sniffing it because it smells like coriander...
Are you sure you weren’t tho
I think I was supposed to be born in New Jersey.
Your emails never make sense let’s be real
Did you read the email I sent you?I read about every other word.Well go read the rest of it and see if you can piece it together so it makes sense.
Is there tho
There’s a difference between passively waiting for visitors and going out and poking them in the eye.
Smart lady
Ohh, it’s for behavior modification. Don’t tell my wife, or I’ll end up wearing a full-body cone.
Just another day then
We were drinking coffee just to stay alive.
Craigslist is for lovers
Well, if you need someone to hold you, just let me know.And you’ll find somebody for me?Right. I’ll check CraigsList. There’s probably someone...
You are correct ma’am
Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you — I didn’t think you would object to a conversation about boobs.
So that’s why
First you should get married, because when you get married you get a Kitchen Aid mixer.
Displeasing shenanigans
I am displeased with your shenannigans.
Time-sensitive information
I think I may have to miss the party — there’s a guy yelling about the word of the lord outside my window and I don’t want to miss a word!
Bad news
It would be kind of cool to make a movie about Santa being an arms dealer for the rest of the year. Like he rides around in his supersonic sled distributing arm...
Prove it
I don’t believe in honey.…it’s not a myth.
Easter is disappointing
OK, I’m not sure that setting an egg down in the middle of the hallway constitutes “hiding.” I think that’s called “dropping.̶...
Seems legit
That reminds me…I have to buy cat food at Trader Joe’s. For my multiple cats. Might look for a shapeless gray cardigan while I’m out as well.
Typical
Sounds like a bad idea. I’m in.
Or both
OK, if you’re in the lip balm business, you’d better also be in the lip balm cap business. Otherwise you’re in the business of FAIL.
Are you sure it wasn’t Spiney McCutsinhalf tho
What was that name I came up for her?Spiney McCutsinhalf?No, not Spiney McCutsinhalf…
Either way
So I have to go into work for 8 hours, but I’m out of work to do.Pull a George Costanza and just look really frustrated.Oh, I thought you meant take a nap...
Hold onto that receipr
Hey — if the world does end in 2012, do you think I could get my money back on this?
Omg just tell me
I may or may not have opened your candy.
The stuff ’90s dreams are made of
Does anyone have a hacky sack?Yes, I have one downstairs. Right next to my collection of Pogs.
Don’t tell me my business
See, it’s like trout and pizza. You wouldn’t want to eat a trout pizza.
Consistency is everything
When I hold her, do I look like a maniac that might drop her at any second?You kind of look like that even before you hold her.
God learn some etiquette
Well, I’m on the phone, and it’s like — you don’t go over to someone’s house and start yelling at them. You stand in their side ya...
Both are true
Is this can supposed to indicate that Diet Coke is good for your heart?No, it’s supposed to indicate that Coca Cola loves us.
Unrelated facts
I want every single thing he put in his mouth. Plus, he’s a babe.
Nice sideburn
We need a side profile shot of your face.Yeah, cause that’s my favorite sideburn side.
Speak for yourself
Hey. Grow some weiner curtains.
Thanks doc
Honey is a byproduct of bees and flowers having sex.
It’s called the death limp
The first sign of being dead: you limp.
Or 1990s amiright
Bush with attitude — that’s so 1970s.
How many kidneys do you have tho
I literally had one glass, and I woke up in a bathtub two hours later.
So he rules is what you’re saying
Then again, I also saw him eat a raw hamburger off a rock, so…
You and me both
As soon as dogs start learning how to make whiskey sours, I’m getting one.
That’s just your opinion man
You don’t like anything good.
How’d you know
He looks like a pirate, and it’s super cute.Why? Did he get a peg leg while he was gone?
Understandable
I have to go look at it. She’s already picked it out.So why do you have to go look at it?Because I’m married.
How’s that going for you
I’m just recovering from being dead.
I’ve heard it both ways
But I feel like it’s kind of ruining alcohol. Or maybe it’s just bettering the water.
Mind your business
Have you been touching things?
He was given a hero’s farewell
You kept the cockroach, of course? We killed it. Sad. We named it Frank after the hotel manager.
Of course
We are going to have a goodbye party for her. After she leaves, of course.
It is now
And we can put our underwear in the freezer… that’s a thing, right?
Sometimes it’s hard
It must be tough, to be so tough. Is it tough?
Spoiler alert
If anyone’s getting laid in my bed it isn’t going to be either of us.
Money-hungry
I’m just so money-hungry, I’m always looking for something to bill.
Too late for pants
It’s perfect timing, because I just put on pants.
We don’t have all day
I want to slap him, but I also kind of want to give him a million dollars.
Bless you
What, Mary was a virgin? OK, that means I’m a virgin.
That is how that works
I was twins, but apparently I dominated that womb.
Fucking grandpa
I had to de-friend my grandfather because I like to say f*ck.
I look forward to this
Someday, all of our lower jaws will be disconnected.
Dude that rules
I mean, they’re starting to make reality shows about you.
He’s a dusty guy
Oh, he loves dustballs. Sometimes I call him Dust Man.
Must be expensive
I should almost have my husband look, but he charges.
Agreed to both
I love you, and I’m really glad you’re drunk.
Both equally
Not only are you drunk on beer, you’re drunk on cheese.
Literally never
Sometimes crazy arms are really effective.
Walked right into that
What does the sponge tool do in PhotoShop?Gives everyone square pants.
Yelp that shit bro
I just got back from the bonecracker. At one point, he twisted my head clean off, and I was all “Dude, put my head back on!” and he was all “A...
Was it as awesome as it sounds
I remember very clearly trying to make a peace offering with an ice cream cone once.
Who doesn’t do that
She used to do things just to me. I’m talking like pee on me when my parents weren’t looking.
I mean you might
You’d think if you ate a whole can of salmon there wouldn’t be any fat in it.
Looking on the bright side
Dude, this retainer is pretty cool. It’s like bling for my mouth.
The Great Will Riker Underwear Debate
Young Will Riker? Will “I Don’t Wear Underwear” Riker? …OK, I made that up, but it’s probably true.
Killing people is in no way maniacal
I would kill 8 people to be trapped in a Target. Don’t take that in a maniacal way. Oh, OK — I’ll take that in the other way.
Goofoot = a serious condition
I stepped in some goo. I have goo on my foot. I have goofoot.
I really need this game
Hey, if you happen to go to a game store and you find that game, just get it for me and I’ll reimburse you when you get it. I mean, when you give it to me...
Then what happened
I’ll always remember the last words my father said: “I’m drunk!”
Sounds serious
I was three months pregnant with that urine.
Tell me tell me
The amount of fun smacking around I want to do is directly proportional to the quality of the dinner I receive.
That’s the good shit
Well, that’s kind of a relief because I thought I was smoking dope. That’s how you know it’s good — you only think you’re smoking ...
How sad
This is giving me the sads.
I can only imagine
Imagine the biggest disaster ever, and it was kind of like that.
Such a magician
“I didn’t know you could do that.” Well, you couldn’t before. I just created it. I’m a magician, you see.
Universe
This is the universe apologizing for the last three days.
At least there’s that
I haven’t eaten lunch yet and my stomach just made a huge rumble.At least it wasn’t your uterus.
Ahhhhhhhhhh
She said, it’s getting really warm in here, and I said, well that’s because there’s a flying saucer above your car — get out!
Excellent point sir
There’s not many things in life guys brag about being smaller. Cell phones, and external hard drives. That’s about it.
You may be missing the point
Oh my god, I have to show you this Onion article. It was sooooo sad.
Astute
Not everything is possible.
Than your own?
It’s always more fun to steal someone else’s wife.
Captained a pirate
Steph told me they pirated a captain. Wait, no.
Of course
So, you spent the week humping.
Something with a bridge or something
What bridge? Your sex bridge? ….oh, I thought maybe a troll under the bridge.
The most romantic of holidays
My friend just got engaged!!She didn’t wait until Flag Day? What a weirdo.
Every day is a good nacho day
Today would have been a good day for someone to bring in nachos for the whole office.…Why?Because today is a good nacho day.
The boots of a rock star
Nice boots.Thanks. You look like a rock star today.Thanks.
Not terribly but thanks
So I was reading an article, on polygamy, and I was thinking we should try it. Are you interested?
You can score
I didn’t know you could score other than kicks, and touching down.
Literally exactly what happens
My old tool kit my dad got me like five years ago for Christmas has dwindled to a hammer and five of the exact same adjustable wrench. Like I’m pretty sur...
It’s both
She came over specifically to tell me I’m a good editor.Are you sure she didn’t say that you were a good eater? They sound pretty close.
Fair enough
Well, you know — you win some, you lose some. Other times I just blame you for my problems.
Like usual
It was an excellent use of my time. I did nothing while she worked.
That will work well
I just need to start going up to girls and saying, “I want to be a stay-at-home dad, and you look pretty well-to-do…”
Only if you wear the tie
Do you think I’ll get looks for wearing a v-neck? Like is it too dressy to work out in?
Sexy or something
I had a dream about you the other day. I think it was sexy or something.
Not much time tho
I don’t know if I’ve told you this, but my life dream is to be a rock star.…There’s still time.
Not well IMHO
No, he doesn’t play, but he’s a professional appreciator.…What does that pay?
Thankfully
You don’t see a lot of papier-mâché pizza these days.
We all feel bad
You being an idiot doesn’t make me feel bad for you, it makes me feel bad for me.
How bout that ass
You’re getting payback.How about your ass being the payback for my whole life?
Only one of us can die
No more big. Stay small. We’re running out of mushrooms.Only one of us can die.
Get your own manta ray
Get your own manta ray.
Deal
He should just go lie down and not say anything for ten years.
Time is relative
But it’s No-Drink January… Ahhhh, I’m over January anyway. Stupid month.
The sound of my voice compels you
I don’t want to deprive you of the sound of my voice — I know how depressed you get.Shut up.
Obviously
I’m too good for food, obviously.
#science
I’m just saying, the poop spreads to the whole house.