Don’t judge me
…Hence why i can’t stand the smell of Dial today. Or the taste.Um, if you could stand the taste of soap, I’d think you were weird.
Category: Overheard
There’s still time
At least he didn’t flit over here like a woods sprite. I was nervous.
Right Christian of you
In these tough economic times, I think it would be right Christian of you to hire one of those people from medieval times to hang out underneath the toilet hole...
You can never uninvite me
How can I uninvite you?
Next time boss
Next time when you ask “what should his password be,” and I say “like a license plate,” try a5h8t6J7 instead of the guy’s f***ing ...
Kim chee is definitely a finger
I can count on the fingers of one hand foods that I legitimately do not like, and kimchee is one of those fingers.
Clean laundry becomes dirty
I think there’s only so long clean laundry can sit out unfolded before it becomes dirty laundry.
Thanks for being upfront about it
I may be easy, but I’m not cheap.
Different doctrines, similar challenges
Catholic girls and New Age Christian girls are very different.But the challenges are very similar.
It was an important event
That was when we cried, and then had victory nachos.
I can back that up
I’ve always been warm to Aaron Rodgers.
Dude you don’t know
I honestly don’t think they investigate discount fraud for magazine subscriptions too heavily.
Calling all ball sacks
I just want to be like, everyone needs to find their ballsack and act on it.
So which one can I use
One of these works most of the time, and one of them doesn’t work half of the time.
Flag Day means romance
Are you engaged yet? No. I’m waiting for Flag Day. Ah — the most romantic of all holidays.
Thank you?
I’m not sure if you can answer this, but maybe you can because you’re from the past.
Sounds about right
I’m Catholic — I feel terrible!
I too cannot believe this
Oh my god, I can’t believe I made it this far without dying.
A lot of people manage actually
It’s hard to make it when you only have two balls.
I’m not sure that’s correct
The best thing about bacon grease is that you can just leave it in there.
Agreed
She’s married, so she’s not worth talking to.
I wasn’t gonna say it
I’m drinking like a confused 8th grader.
Um I mean
Anyone with tattoos can’t be a virgin.
A wumble if you will
I just had a word fumble. A wumble, if you will.
Speaking of which
Speaking of raising the glass…are we just going to play with the cat?
Sound advice thanks nurse
Just cut the skin around the tip off.
He is a Simpsons drawing of Vincent Price
He looks like a Simpsons drawing of Vincent Price.
Not even electric bro
They just have acoustic tonight. That’s like, not even electric.
That’s how it works eh
…or like when you get cat pee on your face and you start tripping balls? Anyone?
Stoned and ruin my evening
I’m gonna get stoned and f***ing ruin my evening.
Nuggets are shark chum duh
Why is this shark hovering over my McNuggets??
Thank you for being a dumping bag
You’re kind of my dumping bag lately, sorry. …OK, i don’t exactly know what a dumping bag is.
We can only imagine
So all he had on was underwear and brown socks. Which was very sexy.
Reality is not real
I don’t know if I can justify eating real food today. I didn’t do any real things.
That’s usually how long it takes
I’m so glad it took me my whole life to grow up…
Bold claim sir
I look good in everything.
Correct sir
I’m not usual.
You mean you didn’t
Like I really wanted to stand there while some dorky old stranger measures my wife’s cervix opening with his fingers.
Really just body love
What’s going on? Besides body love?
Strong moral code
I wouldn’t hold it if I didn’t love it.
A capella ghosts
Do you know what would be cool? If there was an a capella group of people that could…uh…throw their voices.
Group hand shower
Let’s go take a group hand-shower.
Clearly you did
Like you didn’t start drinking when you were an adolescent.
Very specific
I certainly wish that people like Rush Limbaugh would catch the H1N1 or something like that.
That makes one of us
I’m OK with touching.
Humping or butt-grinding
Is this humping? No, that’s butt-grinding.
Double-teaming us, Jim
They’re double-teaming us, Jim!
Thank you
Your girlfriend has a lot of parts.
You’re telling me
He just likes to hold his penis against your shoe.
That’s my beard
What’s that on your neck?Oh, this here? That’s my beard.
Do it with hipsters
This commercial doesn’t make me want to buy an iPod. It just makes me want to do it with hipsters.
Solid plan
I always tell my kids: Marry your second wife first.
Ugly babies are the worst
I mean, seriously. What if I had an ugly baby? I like to think I’m more grown-up than that, but…
OK
Let’s not talk again for awhile, OK?OK.
Know your strengths
I’m…just going to wander away while I mutter to myself.That’s the best way to spend your time.
Drunk dialing
OK. Yup. Bye bye. *click* Whew, put down the bottle, sir… I’m contact-drunk from that call.
Definitely the DJ
I like to wear these and think that people might think I’m a DJ. Like, look at that girl’s shoes. I wonder what she’s doing here — maybe...
You’re buying sushi bro
If I like him, you owe me sushi. If I hate him, you owe me sushi.
Come to order
This meeting of the Bathroom Club is officially commencing.
The shitty kind
What kind of shits are they asking about?
Jacket is as jacket does
Nice jacket! Looks warm.…It helps.
Effectively hiding the thunder
Do these effectively hide my thunder?
Zombies can’t win
Dude, zombies can’t win.
Says who
Just because you’re bored doesn’t mean you can be blatantly dangerous.
Nipple please
What do you think? Nipple, or no nipple?
I can help with that
My goal is to get an adult to run away from me.
Stay tuned for final decision
I may want to make this awesome.
Jesus could do anything he put his mind to really
Jesus could go deep-sea fishing! That would be bad ass.
I would
Well, if you were Jesus, and you came back, wouldn’t you make a lot of money?
High art
I think this person painted these watercolors by putting the paintbrush in their butt.
Not enough Ramen
Did you just say “two thousand Ramen”? Because that would be like, twenty bucks!
Travis is a watery guy
Sitting around with Travis is always so much fun. And you always stay hydrated.
Times a billion
Battlestar Galactica is so good. It’s like crack. It’s like crack mixed with Pringles.
It’s been a while
You know what I miss, is cool things.
Shitty break boss
Do you want to take a break? No, not that kind of break — the kind where you continue working, just on a different project.
Peter Pan
I look like Peter Pan.
Cool life Sheila
Why am i talking quietly? Because i’m working. Yes, i’m working. Yes, i don’t want to talk too loudly in the office. Yes, i love you too. Yes,...
You are weird
Did you just say I’m weird?
Time flies
Wow. It’s only the 12th, and it’s already the 12th.
Found him
Oh, there’s God.
I quit
I will always ask for more than is possible.
That’s how evolution works
If wheels were so great, we would have evolved into them by now.
Master of your doman
It has no natural predators…in my backyard…except for me.
There sure is a lot of semen
There sure is a lot of semen in this room.
Aquaman of the sky
I’m like Aquaman of the sky.
Cool huh
Your face is in the dirt. You have a dirt mustache.
Pick a number any number
I’ll give her my number. Your number. A number. Take a number.
Your face is not on fire.
And then, you get to that point where you just keep telling yourself, “Don’t scream.” Then you know you’re going to be fine.
Black is the new black
Yeah, but black is the new black, so maybe I should wear the black pants.