Category: Cool Facts

I wish I were a seventy-year-old male so that I could fully appreciate us.

I don’t know if I’ve ever really given myself such a long and convoluted way of amusing myself, but holy shit do I amuse myself.

You have to come home and be handsome in front of us.

This guy reminds me a lot of you. Which is probably why you impressed the pants out of him. I mean, off of him. I don’t know where he keeps his pants.

If anyone needs any help, I’m very good at dialing 9-1-1.

He must be bald on top. He has a hat on.

Awww, did you think we left you forever? We did. We’re gone. This isn’t us.

It’s like a table Zamboni!

I like your ear hole.

Tell him we polled a random sampling. It tested well among the two of us.

You’re the only person I talk to about cults.

I do not throw my laundry on the floor. I throw it in the laundry bucket.

I’m excited, I’m just scared of sleeping.

That’s the worst, when all the snow melts and everything smells like poo.

You could lay down, but then you’d have to stop your anxious compulsions.

I don’t fuck around when it comes to money. Well, my own money.

Together, we are like one and a half humans.

Yep, she’s just very slowly bouncing a chipmunk.

My ears were the same size as always. My head just got much fatter along with my body, now.

Do yoga pants count? They have the word “pants” in them . . .

Yes, excuse me, I would like to go to purple town?

Um, if you find out how March got here, you let me know.

What are you doing? Swinging my arms — what are you doing?

Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t pay for handies.

I need an advent calendar for the whole year. You mean like…a normal calendar?

Life is what happens in between treats.

Time is weird.

I only wish I had a baby. That would be the best prop.

I have a Pavlovian response to handsome magic.

I’ll take 10,000 of your longest words, please.

That’s the mentality. And by that I mean: the mental thought.

You can’t really butt-fuck a cigar.

I’m really good at finding stuff. So if you lose your purse or anything, I should be able to help.

You smell like dreams.

Man I gotta release these vowels.

Whoah. That’s a lot of big gulps.

Long time no see! Yeah, and this time I have clothes on.

Oh, shit, there’s humans.

If I’m gonna ruin your day, I’m gonna start way earlier.

Bird poop is definitely heavier than tomatoes.

I need to wash this sweatshirt. It smells like person.

I want to eat your feet! They look delicious.

I always say, the key to not looking suspicious is not looking suspicious.

Well, dolls are just creepy. You know, when they look at you for a long time.

He’s only happy when he’s being held or eating. Well, I guess so am I.

It’s like walking right into someone’s mouth.

By the way, at first I thought that candle was a chicken of some sort.

It’s weird, what goes on here. I mean, sugar is a product of alcohol breaking down.

I got up to pee, and I almost fell asleep I was in there so long. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

I have no cares. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

A sphincter could crush an egg. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

For some reason at home I have this outrageous DVD about cuttlefish. Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

I will believe something when I hear something. Or something. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Man, for being so slow they sure are hard to catch up with. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Are you grossed out by gross things? Oh, I like gross things. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

My rememberer is not broken. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

I have jugs in my car…which is an awesome thing to say. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Wow. That’s a meat-waggle. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

We either have some, or more. Um…I’ll be over here, thinking of other important things to say. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

No, I’m excited. I’m never excited. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

It’s been decided. Unanimously, I have made the decision. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

I can throw my voice into her mouth. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Aww, I’m bummered. I, too, am bummered. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

It’s better when you have no wings and you blow people up. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.0

I’ve never been to juvenile jail. Either as a juvenile or otherwise. Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.7

You’re touching the thing with your hand-meat. Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.5.2

I would only order oysters if I could harvest the pearls for profit. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8

I’m glad I got to service you. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8

I know too many things. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8

All good things come to… me. Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.6

All I think about is getting laid, and domain names.

I have some random stuff in my fanny pack.

My undies were literally in a bunch.

I may or may not have opened your candy.

I want every single thing he put in his mouth. Plus, he’s a babe.

Have you been touching things?

Oh, he loves dustballs. Sometimes I call him Dust Man.

I stepped in some goo. I have goo on my foot. I have goofoot.

This is the universe apologizing for the last three days.

Not everything is possible.

I think there’s only so long clean laundry can sit out unfolded before it becomes dirty laundry.

I may be easy, but I’m not cheap.

I’m OK with touching.

Is this humping? No, that’s butt-grinding.

My goal is to get an adult to run away from me.

Sitting around with Travis is always so much fun. And you always stay hydrated.

Wow. It’s only the 12th, and it’s already the 12th.

There sure is a lot of semen in this room.