Turns out I just take a drum solo after every song. What, I’m five.
Sounds like a personal problem
I don’t think my middle finger can reach the stink.
I mean you do you
If brats are boiling in beer, don’t drink the beer.
Who doesn’t really
I like cracking nuts. And punching dicks.
Let me see that tax return sir
Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t pay for handies.
Touche
Some say I’m unique.
(in a Sam Neill voice) But that’s not what I’m gonna do!
Basically just like real life then
I really love Twitter, now that I know what I’m doing: not giving a fuck, and whatever I want.
Seriously quit it with the experiments already
Come on, science. Invent something.
Hey you said it
Well, this was kind of a shitty pour. But the good news is that it’s still beer. I didn’t alter it in any way.
Seems logical
You know the single best way to make vegetarian food taste better? Bacon.
I mean what else is new
I got a little lit up last night by myself and started eating like an asshole.
Don’t worry about it
It just lingers, like the feeling of a touch.
Ummm, what did you just say?!
No nothing like that god
I need an advent calendar for the whole year.
You mean like…a normal calendar?
Truth
Life is what happens in between treats.
Get used to it sir
I know nothing.
But you’re the husband!
Exactly.
Yeah you know that guy
You know: Jimmy The Rock Lennon.
Accurate assessment
Lots of butt stuff today.
Is that really a thing tho
I just realized this James Taylor record I grew up listening to has a ton of sax in it. Almost too much sax.
Such empathy srsly
Oh, poor The Browns.
Indeed
Time is weird.
What else is new
It’s 9am and I have a hankerin’ for some pasties.
Such a beautiful world
One of my clients is doing a website for a pot dispensary. She is noticeably high in all of our meetings. It’s funny, then extremely annoying.
Just like that
I mean look at that guy. It’s like General Patton marching into that war he conquered.
Never really a good time
I mean, how do you have that conversation with your drug dealer about his spelling?
In case you were not aware
Your eyelashes are glued onto the bottom of your face.
Hopes remain high
Let’s see how weird I can get.
Or maybe Yoda
Clay Matthews for Halloween this year is going as a beard.
Science is real
I have a bowl of genetically altered cornflakes every morning!
Fargo is a dick
Fargo stole my money and murdered me, so I have to go home now.
Don’t know how I missed that one
Oh, did I tell you? I put my butt on his tour bus.
Because reasons
I only wish I had a baby. That would be the best prop.
Don’t we all
I have a Pavlovian response to handsome magic.
I don’t even
Is this where you get your isotopes? Cause it’s local?
Asking for a friend
Alright, who jizzed in my beer?
That’s my beer!
Who jizzed in your beer?
I’m waiting…
Prove you’re not a robot.
I’ll prove you’re not a robot…
I’m not playing Scrabble with you ever
I’ll take 10,000 of your longest words, please.
Hey now
It’s like playing a violin: bullshit.
Probably Waterworld amiright
Oh, of course it’s not rewound.
Yeah, because everyone who likes that movie is a dick.
Biology never lies
Yeah, I was like nine. And there’s this scene where Jamie Lee Curtis strips, and that’s when I knew I wasn’t gay.
Looks like pincushion to me
If you’re gonna draw your sword on anyone, that’s the guy.
Arguable
Insane robotic Japanese Veggie Tales trumps life.
Such enthusiasm
I think sonically, it’s going to be insane.
You poor bastard
You remind me of John Travolta way too much.
Valid point
Trek yo’self before you wreck yo’self.
So meta
Hey, I read your whole blog the other night.
Oh yeah? Which one?
Overheard In My Living Room.
You read the whole thing? The blog I’ve been running since 2009?
…I mean, I was pretty stoned.
Literally the truth
There’s nothin’ like a temperate rainforest.
You have not
We need to stop at the liquor station.
The liquor store?
I’ve heard it both ways.
Good thanks for clarifying
That’s the mentality. And by that I mean: the mental thought.
Let’s see the evidence sir
You can’t really butt-fuck a cigar.
Incidentally I love weddings
If anybody gets a hand job from a bridesmaid, I’ll give them twenty bucks. It’s all about the motivation.
As if the handy isn’t motivation enough.
Everyone needs a skill
I’m really good at finding stuff. So if you lose your purse or anything, I should be able to help.
Well then, Mr. Scientist
How old are you?
I’m a scientist.
Don’t tell me my chin business sir
Ladies love a bald chin. You gotta shave that.
It’s really the only choice
I want to kiss Lando Calrissian. I’m doing it. I want to taste his mustache.
Serious overreaction
So what happens then? They slit your wrist? Or take your children?
Get used to it sucka
Oh, you’re spilling your beer…
I always spill my beer.
Satan has excellent taste
Satan wants rainbow sprinkles on his ice cream.
You don’t know
“Alien Man.” That’s a funny name for a person.
We are complex beings
Mood ring says romantic; arm hair says otherwise.
No you smell like dreams
You smell like dreams.
Phew okay
I just wanted to make sure I have all my nuts in a row.
Word vomit amiright
Man I gotta release these vowels.
No bueno
Now it just looks like your catheter exploded!
Also sprained my ankle in table tennis once what
I got hurt playing kickball too.
*wild laughter*
So delicious then
That tastes like what I would imagine Rasputin tastes like.
As long as I know where I stand
I trust you, I just don’t believe you.
I mean is quantity really the issue
Whoah. That’s a lot of big gulps.
Starfleet officers like their booze I guess
Hey, I want Jameson too, but you don’t see me holding up a starship.
How does one get this job
Getting paid to get laid by government-issued prostitutes!
Oh messy life
Except I’ll probably find like 17 people I slept with.
Well…that’s a nice round number…
Ideally no no it should not
Hair should not hurt when you move it.
Both fortunate events
Long time no see!
Yeah, and this time I have clothes on.
Priorities
I have no problem sleeping with her, I just don’t like her hair.
I mean pretty close
John Adams!
Who’s that?
Uh, a president.
Oh, I only know of the beer.
He wishes
Lee Harvey Oswald.
Who’s that, a scientist?
God.
Uretha Franklin.
I take that as a compliment sir
You look like the kinda guy who would have ginger ale.
I don’t want to know
Oh yeah. A lotta fermented bananas that weekend.
Within realm of possibility tho
There’s no way there’s poop in your bedroom.
But do you like it is the question
This tastes like elf shit.
I’m in, fuck ’em
We should straight murder flocks of birds, is what I’m saying.
Your sister may not agree but hey
It’s my sister’s house. I can poop where I want.
Good they’re gone
Everyone’s going to church? I’m going to fuck shit up.
Yikes wasn’t expecting those
Oh, shit, there’s humans.
Just in case that changes anything
If you come back with a face tattoo, I’m going to be your best friend.
I appreciate the honesty
I don’t know why, but every time I see a bottle of Korbel my wiener gets a little hard.
Remember that time?
It’s just like I said to Patrick: Shut the fuck up, Patrick.
Srsly tho
Stop hanging out by my face.
Maybe tomorrow then
If I’m gonna ruin your day, I’m gonna start way earlier.
Speak for yourself please
We should get him a little humping rug. Everyone needs a humping rug.
Cool face
He looked disgusted. But it might have just been his face.
Cool sciencing bro
Bird poop is definitely heavier than tomatoes.
Truly the worst
I need to wash this sweatshirt. It smells like person.
Cool conversation there guys
Ahh, gentlemen.
Ahh, grunts and things.
Would you like some manly cocaine?
Yes. Just rocks, please.
Better luck next time
She just almost cheersed that old lady in the face.
Back off lady
I want to eat your feet! They look delicious.
Did it work tho
He high-fived me in the face for a piece of bacon.
Prove it
The power of soup compels you!
I’m good thanks
What alternative thing to watch would you like to watch? As an alternative?
Excellent formula
You shake that moneymaker, because I want some more kimchee.
Serious question
Why do you look so much like an elderly ghost?
Honesty is everything
It’s hard not to be an asshole.
Food should always come in ball form is what I’m saying
What’s a good way to deliver delicious things to our mouths?
Balls.
Lured by balls, as usual
Maybe I will wake up a little bit and have some wine and eat a ball.
I mean they don’t take up that much room
You can’t even fit that many thigh tattoos in your venue.
They are now
Is this band just called Beards and Glasses now or what?
No one thinks of carbon.
If I had a super power, it would be to control carbon. Think about it: I could control everything. I could turn you into a fish, or I could break you apart. No one thinks of carbon.
So fucking amazing then
They’re like spaceships with fingers.
Don’t lie to me
Don’t you wish you could play that Klingon game?
No.
Great I’ll just order that then
What kind of beer do you want?
Just a regular beer.
End the prohibition
I used to stock Rumpleminz, but every time I’d serve it, someone would end up crying.
Tell me about it
I don’t really sports.
Thanks I think
There you go. Now you look like a human. But not a real human.
Good starting point anyway
I always say, the key to not looking suspicious is not looking suspicious.
Good to be prepared tho
Well, I don’t need to be a ninja warrior tonight. Sparkly or otherwise.
Wasn’t gonna say anything but
You know, I noticed you had lost weight when I was wiping up your lap.
Don’t we all
I wish I had more dicks.
That’s the most evil you can think of huh
It just says super evil shit. Like “I’m gonna rip your leg off and poop,” stuff like that.
Really my true nature
I want to bash everything over the head and drag it to my cave.
Yeah, you know
Well, dolls are just creepy. You know, when they look at you for a long time.
Story of my life
Well, I’ve clearly not spent enough time in front of a Poison poster.
This is my first time.
I am not a Poison poster.
That may not be the problem
I know it’s like a pregnant belly thing, to want to touch him in the face…
So many possibilities
Who am I thinking of? Not Rod Stewart, the other guy I hate.
Sound logic
I want a girlfriend so I can get a dog.
God tell me about it
I would like to eat too much of a brownie someday.
Literally
Oh, yeah, that’s when we saw that kid get his pants rocked off. No…really.
Thanks for the recap
I think we’ve just reached the middle of this conversation.
Probably exactly what happened
What kind of a name is Willem? Like, his mom got lazy on the birth certificate, or fell asleep while dictating.
Hear hear
Scott Bakula is a timeless being. He’s like a time lord.
Getting old amiright
Our fans are older. They’ve got shit to do.
We are very violent this is true
It’s like they don’t trust us. Like we’re a rock that likes to bang against glass.
Not that kind of ceremony actually
Maybe there will be food and beer served during the ceremony.
Probably not, though.
Tell me about it
“Book of Shadows”…which one is that?
I don’t know, every movie with a book? And shadows?
But how is her makeup always perfect, answer that
I think that’s why I like New Girl, is that it’s not science fiction.
Dude where’d you get those
These sunglasses feel amazing. I’m invisible.
Correct
No world could have enough sex.
Moving on up then
It’s the first time I’ve seen him make anything from a recipe other than taco meat.
Literally what are you talking about
Jim Proctor?
Yes.
Like a proctologist?
Yes.
So, he’s a proctologist?
Well, maybe as a hobby.
The trifecta really
Coffee and blow — what else is there? All we need is lunch!
How about that local political convention
It’s been a nonstop moronathon.
Boy have I got the pet for you
I love diabetes and cats!
I mean what are my options
Do you want to get double pregnant?
Back off Mr. Squiggles please
He’s a dog. He doesn’t have to have a last name.
…says the girl who wants to throw him a birthday party.
How’s you guess
Something tells me you have an ex-girlfriend tied up in the trunk of your car.
It was a B side
So she’s a “Sexy Editor”? Awesome! Sounds like a Hall and Oates song.
Give the man what he needs, Jennings
Doctor Jennings! My prescription is a sack!
Accurate verb
Clay Matthews like…bat-caved him!
No not weird at all *runs*
I want to know how they die. I mean, I know how they die. I want to see them die. Does that sound weird?
Something tells me it’s been a while
I didn’t know you guys were open on Sundays.
Its not a church! Wait. I mean…
Worst drive ever
Follow that rickshaw!
I am not following a rickshaw.
Harry Potter
She invented him. She drew pictures of him before he ever existed.
But he was still a person!
Srsly tho go away
Come on. I’m just making conversation.
Well, make it on someone else.
And the problem being
Sorry, my wizard kinds looks like a stoned Santa. Who is being played by Jesus.
And you call yourself a musician
I don’t know, I’m not going to get all expressive about playing “Hot Cross Buns.”
Love is real
Aww. It’s like you’re all in love with each other or something.
What a swell guy
He drew me a rocket too, but mine looks less like balls.
It has that effect some- *snore*
If I wasn’t so full, I think I’d be angrier. All this food is making me kind of docile.
God srsly
Just go over and sack Harbough.
Debatable
Penis noses need holes.
Srsly grow up
Grow up. Get a snowmobile.
The secret of happiness
He’s only happy when he’s being held or eating. Well, I guess so am I.
A sad day for all of us
I will never forget the day I finally googled Robert Siegel and found that he does not in fact look like George Takei.
Sawyer dreams are the best dreams
Sawyer and Jack were both in my dream last night. They both wanted to be with me.
Who did you pick?
You know, Jack made a very convincing case. Which is weird, because I’m usually more of a Sawyer kind of person.
Is both not an option
I don’t know if I should be proud of myself or worried about myself that I can recognize Michael Palin’s nose.
Okay I spaced out for a minute there thx
Yes, we are still balls deep in family.
Best not to wonder out loud
Hey, I wonder whose hoe that is.
Science is real
I’ve got my smart water for my dumb choices last night.
Maybe both, life is short
He looks like he should run a biker bar. Or an Amish store.
Sounds exhausting
Nice dance — what have you been watching lately?
Nineteen flopper movies.
Well good
She didn’t ruin everything. Just when she was talking.
What did we learn
When I picked up that burning log earlier I burned my thumb.
To each her own
I’m not crazy about him making monkey sounds, though. I could pass on that.
That’s pretty much it yeah
All I remember about The Matrix is…a sweaty cult dance?
I know because I’ve done it
It’s like walking right into someone’s mouth.
God I hate baseball players
He does look like a baseball player. I don’t know what I was thinking.
Worth spitting into anyway
Not quite the Grand Canyon, but a “pretty sweet” canyon.
Excellent question sir
How long would he have to wait to kill someone with that spear for it not to be first-degree murder?
So you’re saying I’m a wizard
Take your bra off. Let me see those warlocks.
Makes sense
He’s making a spear. For murder.
I advise not worrying about it then
I feel like if I had a tick in my hair I wouldn’t find it for a couple years.
Oh good
I proved to be good in the woods.
Just an expensive piece of paper really
I mean, I’m a nurse. So I don’t know much.
Often confused
That was a woman, I think.
No, that was Fred Armisen.
And they say romance is dead
There’s moments, when we’re playing Mario, when both our controllers are shaking.
Prove it
He’s the touchable type.
Strict lodging requirements
I didn’t bring my dog, so I can’t sleep in the spare bed.
By the way, I wouldn’t spread that around
By the way, at first I thought that candle was a chicken of some sort.
No it was definitely chopping
What? Oh, chopping. At first I thought you said popping. Like in popping and locking.
The struggle is real
Yeah. Its hard to keep track of things.
I’m in
Can we have a murder drinking game? I mean, if anyone feels like drinking by then?
Similar
I feel like I’m in Middle Earth. Or London.
Not that weird actually
It’s weird, what goes on here. I mean, sugar is a product of alcohol breaking down.
I’m definitely in
Let’s smoke pot and not wear bras!
Don’t make him blush you guys
Hey, you’re an actor, right?
Well, kind of — I’m a comedian.
Ohhh, the famous comedian!
Valid question
How am I supposed to Instagram my shitty day?
Your resourcefulness astounds me srsly
They don’t sell bowls at Trader Joe’s? Buy an apple.
So why would I want to PIPE DOWN LINDA
If it doesn’t hurt your nose, you’re not doing it right.
That’s my strategy
I love blaming things on kids. I do it every day.