He’s training for the Darwin awards.
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Cool committee bro
It’s been decided. Unanimously, I have made the decision.
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The licensing nightmare tho god
That’s what I want on a bumper sticker: “Christ is my copy writer.”
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Srsly
Rhode Island. Who gives a shit. Sell it to the French.
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And how’s that going
We’ve been talking about some stuff to help idiots, in a sexy way.
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Can’t argue
Cupcakes are slutty muffins, that’s what they are.
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Science
How do you make sure your ass doesn’t fall off the chair?
I’m top-heavy.
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Scientist 101
That’s the first thing you learn when you’re a scientist — how to tell human from turtle.
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I too feel better
I like when he has a mustache. I just feel better.
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Campfire anyone
I have a Favre jersey. It’s in a box.
In the box where you keep all the stuff from your ex-boyfriends?
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Happy birthday asshole
Is he being a shithead because he thinks we forgot his birthday?
No, he remembers.
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A Catholic and an atheist walked into a bar
It’s that Catholic guilt.
That’s the great thing about being an Atheist. You can just be a bitch whenever you want.
Oh, you can do that if you’re Catholic too.
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Hey now
You look like a hobbit trying to find some treasure or something.
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Go on
I had this chronic masturbating pirate for a roommate in college.
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Explain
If I could be an actor, I would want to be just like Gary Busey.
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Agreed
I’m not really looking to have experiences at work.
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How much fun Sheila
I’ve just been cracking myself up lately. I don’t know if I’m really funny, or if I’m just easily amused, but I’ve been having a lot of fun with myself.
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Survey says
Do you get to use the car pool lane if you have a crock pot next to you? Does that count as another passenger?
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Maybe they like birds
I just saw a twelve-year-old wearing a Hooters shirt. Gross.
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That is quite the super power
I can throw my voice into her mouth.
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Cleanup in cubicle four
Oh my gosh, I’m going to pull my brains out. Whatever that means.
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That looks like something I pulled out of my oven
That looks like something I pulled out of my oven in college.
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Thank you
You’re like an obscene Ned Flanders.
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Zingggg
Have you rooted your phone?
If that means what it means in Australia, absolutely not.
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Agreed
I’m too smelly to be able to finish this document.
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Hurry quick
Police! There’s a stranger in my house being super loud!
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So how’d it go
He just tried to lick something wedged in between the bike seat and the body. I think it was a walnut.
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Viscosity indeed
Higher viscosity is the same thing as thicker. It’s just more syllables.
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Coffee makes me funnier
I can’t really joke in the morning. I get about halfway there and then I lose it.
Get some more coffee in you and we’ll try again.
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Looking forward to it
This winter I’m going to get back into sledding. Cheap thrills!
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Very true
There’s no boobs like snow boobs!
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You know that famous designer Jane Austen
Do you want that butt necklace that Jane Austen made or whoever the f*ck?
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God so true
That’s where all bad smells come from, is babies.
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Truly a type
I sometimes wonder why I’m so attracted to him when statistically he’s about 3 decades too young to be my type.
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Stay the fuck out of that yard
A chippy in my yard committed suicide by truck.
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Solidarity
Aww, I’m bummered.
I, too, am bummered.
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Well then
Love does not make a marriage work.
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Maybe
You know what this reminds me of?
Chernobyl?
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Tell me how you really feel
You’re an infidel. And a double-timer.
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You look like you’re removable
That beard looks like it’s removable.
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Not a real person, just a quarterback
Come on, I’m not going to sleep with him. He’s not real. He’s a quarterback.
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Sound plan, agent
I’ll just speak into my chest as much as possible.
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The brain: the emo organ
It’s a constant emotional roller-coaster, in my brain.
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Brains are sharp
It just sounded like you poked yourself with something!
I just poked myself with a BRAIN thing.
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Good story, sparkle ninja
Well, good luck with the sparkles.
I have little girls to impress.
…I’m sure.
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Prove it
This punch doesn’t have like, crazy properties or anything.
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Let’s enter immediately then
I like it. It looks like a gay bar in there.
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Halloween stain obvs
How’s your stain?
Spooky.
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Dude you too
So last night I slept on the floor in a flop house next to a platinum Hillary Duff record.
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All those things and more Sheila
What’s all in it? The circle of life? And baby?
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Both
Is it the stuff that’s spicy or the thing that’s spicy?
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Nah too many kids
Would you like to join me in the children’s park?
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I am
You look a little bit like what’s-his-name, in…thingy.
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No such luck
I thought you were someone else asking a different question.
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How’s now
Hi — I’d like to make an appointment to get slapped around, please?
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Those weren’t dreams and you’re in jail now
I’m losing your baby in my dreams.
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Sorry Jesus
I peed in the pew. Sorry, Jesus.
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Times are hard
Ok, that was just two terrible things. They made a touchdown, AND I can’t drink whiskey at your wedding??
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Jesus is a Packer fan
Jesus is a Packer fan.
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Highly specific
All this sausage mining is making me thirsty. I need a nipple of beer.
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Riiight
I was being a dick to her, but it was funny.
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Sorry about the love
Even if I don’t know you, I love you. So, sorry. You’re stuck with my love.
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Beer is not a liquid
Do you want to get a coffee or something?
No, I don’t need any more liquids. I might get a beer in a bit.
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Wings are terrible
It’s better when you have no wings and you blow people up.
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Crazy cool
Wouldn’t it be cool to be really tall? Like the crazy giants?
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Definitely
Don’t tell her. She’ll probably feel bad maybe.
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Sweet
Ok, I’m going to store one leg in the freezer, and one leg hanging out of the freezer…
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Get it together Sheila
Nooooo! Parts of me are falling out of my nose!
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Awesome
That soup was made of awesome.
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I want those seats
They can’t really give him a ten-yard penalty. He’ll be like in the fourth row.
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Don’t know why
I just forced her to accept my love, and now she’s ornery.
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Top Chef home edition
I made the ranch myself!
Really? It’s really good!
Yeah — its just milk, mayonnaise, and Hidden Valley Ranch.
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Thank you sir
You look like a principal on vacation.
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I too do not like that
He kept saying “flip over so I can fluff you,” and I kept thinking nooo, I don’t like that…
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Oddly yes
Are you enjoying your oddly-shaped beer?
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Unfortunately not
I have a Festmaster Award button.
Wow. That should like, get you into high-security areas.
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You are correct
With a shower, I think anything is possible.
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Truly weird
My mind is brewing. One moment, please.
I can smell it over here! …OK, that’s weird.
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Figure it out sir
Do you want this shut, or open?
Nah.
So…open?
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Where they enjoy it the best
Bring the babies closer to the swordfight.
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Why wouldn’t they
I think they should use stem cells to make centaurs to make Renaissance festivals better.
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Deep thoughts
We are merely sharing a string of…things…protein.
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Line ’em up gramps
Alright everybody, ready to sit around in a circle and get loaded? With family?
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Sure
Give the fake sodium to the needy.
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You caught me
Do you have a lie coming out of your teeth?
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Because science
Also, Jon told me that you cannot create a new universe by microwaving a microwave that is microwaving the air inside of the bigger microwave. In my experience, the switcheroo is worse — too much calibration.
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Srsly ouch
I want to give birth to a two-year-old.
Ouch.
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How do you know it isn’t
If your skin was plastic, that would look ideal.
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Not even in Monopoly or
I’ve never been to juvenile jail. Either as a juvenile or otherwise.
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Utterly
No one eats just one Cheeto. That’s just preposterous.
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Fine art
See, I like movies where people are being hurt, in their balls.
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Suck sounds
Our phones sounds like suck.
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We need to talk
My shoes are too tight on ny head, and it’s giving me podiatry problems.
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Thank you ma’am
I like your attitude today.
It’s spicy!
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You’re very welcome
Thanks for the strange meat!
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It really shouldn’t
If a book is good, it shouldn’t matter if you can’t read it.
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Do it
Shiver me plum-bers.
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I try
You are occasionally not horrible.
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First of all
What’s bad about daycare?
Well, it’s run by the klan.
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Cool story
This reminds me of another place. Or maybe it reminds me of a ride.
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Not sure what for
I made him get me a guitar pick, because sometimes they’re useful.
That’s an odd one
I collect antique tarps.
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Constantly eating bleach
Maybe I was eating bleach again.
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Good eye sniper
Is this an old or a new dishwasher?
That’s an oven.
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And you’re delicious
I just love marinading in pointlessness.
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Nein bitte
Ok, I don’t know why I woke up in German this morning.
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Thanks doc
Beer is an antihistamine, right?
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Thanks for the recap
You’re touching the thing with your hand-meat.
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Maybe not
Maybe that money could have been spent on a projector that was made in my lifetime.
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The only unit of measure
I hate to go to vegetarian restaurants without a tape measure.
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Dibs on the pooping
I call dibs on pooping in the shower first!
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Thanks for clarifying
No, I always look like this, but I usually just sit here and look at monkeys.
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Ahh yes
What’s she doing in town?
She just wants to sit with people more, and do the things…
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Twenty bucks and you’re on
I kind of want to get your dog to lick my kid in the face.
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Die happy tho
I’d be a terrible pet owner. I’d just feed them cheese every day of their life, and they’d live for 6 months. they’d have a good life, though.
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Just like that
Is she one of those people who likes to take things away from themselves?
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Good point
Why would you want spring water? Animals poop in springs.
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Monstrous
You know, it’s funny — in a horror movie, when there’s “monster” involved it’s a bad thing, but with food, the word “monster” is a good thing.
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I second the pearls
I would only order oysters if I could harvest the pearls for profit.
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Refined palate sir
Mmmm, tastes like high blood pressure.
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The enjoyment did not diminish
These cigarettes were 75 cents off, but they’re still delicious.
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I too am glad
I’m glad I got to service you.
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Bold claim sir
I’m the Indiana Jones of sex toys.
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Sound diagnosis
It was probably a heat thing. Like overheating, or something to do with heat.
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Thanks for the warning
I’m going to get sickeningly close to you, buttface.
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So close yet so far
I thought it would be like sunburn, but it was more like a real burn.
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I would like to see that
If my brain could stick out some crazy arms and wave them around, it would.
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Delete
I know too many things.
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How’s it going then
He’s been trying to come up with a big baby head for awhile.
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Well they were delicious
This is for decoration, not your mouth.
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Phone stoner
I just called a wrong number, and the person who answered was totally stoned. “WHO??”
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Oh well then
I’m going to have a shitty weekend.
Why?
Because I’m married?
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That is exactly what happened
I was going to be a boy, but my parents probably weren’t going to name me Leonard. It must have been when I ate that other twin when I turned into a girl.
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Debatable
It’s better to look good than to feel good.
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Just in case
I did bring a margarita to a Mexican restaurant.
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It is that good
I want to cry right now I’m so happy. I want to shove it in my mouth.
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Secs-y
Can you come over here for a sec?
I have all the secs you want! Um…wait.
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Lucky bastard
I feel like Wayne Coyne.
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I’m familiar
I’m familiar with these. What are they?
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Best idea ever
I want Bruce Dickinson to sing the Bible.
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You wizard
I can do it with anything.
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Excellent
All good things come to… me.
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Which will accomplish something anyway
I need a masssage, so I’m going to sit on the couch with a beer and watch golf. In my underwear.
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Excuse me
That was my rogue finger, sorry.
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That’s the goalie
Didn’t he use his hands?
That’s the goalie. He’s allowed to do that.
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Totally wasn’t listening
No, it’s alright, I’m listening. Can you start over?
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Boring apps are the worst apps
I’m annoyed by the lameness of the appetizers sampler.
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God
I should have checked my blind spot for your mergings.
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Talented little ladies
My boobs frequently save people from being arrested.
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You know that guy
I think it’s Thomas, but it might be Robert. One of those fatherly names.
I think it’s Gary.
That could also be it.
Surprise
All I think about is getting laid, and domain names.
Thank you
Your squishy things line up better than mine do.
More Comic Sans please
Comic Sans?? I don’t think so.
Both valid questions
I really want to know how Talking Heads can end up on my Rammstein Pandora station.
I really want to know how you can end up listening to a Rammstein Pandora station.
Accidental bacon
I once force-fed a vegan bacon. Well, not on purpose.
Good story
I have some random stuff in my fanny pack.
Food and brats
Ok, there’s food here, and there’s brats too.
Weird but okay
I’m not supposed to have broccoli because it makes me vomit. If I have more than one, I puke it.
None of it was legal
I’ve taken a lot of medication, and all of it was legal.
That’s a lie.
Go on
I have a Weezer of a question for you…
Thank you
Sometimes when I think of you I actually think of you as a Ninja Turtle.
Wooo
We have quite the collection of sexy people.
Just so I know where I stand
We joke because we hurt.
Both
Are you making fun of me or are you fingers not finging today either?
Audrey Hepburn or laundry
Is that your Audrey Hepburn look?
No, it’s my I-need-to-do-laundry look.
Understandable
I think I lost it last night in my car when I was listening to Peter Gabriel.
No
Can we just make a pact where your poop stays inside your body?
Actually a diagram
No — a Venn diagram isn’t a drink, it’s a diagram.
Well shut up then
I don’t have to use words. I’m too good for words.
Memorable habit
I guess I’m kind of hard to forget. I mean, I throw pumpkins at people’s faces. That doesn’t happen too often.
Interesting habit
He’ll probably poop out of habit, but at least you’ll be safe.
She disagrees
I think I was more slowdancing with your mother.
Keep up the volunteer work
Ok, just continue to do nothing, and we’re good.
…Can I have that job?
So perfect then
I look like Björk if she’s electrocuted.
What do you think I’m doing exactly
Do you have a sweater shaver?
No, but I have a PedEgg, that might work.
Masks and robes
Hey, the Ninja Turtles don’t wear anything but belts, and their sensei wears a kimono.
They also wear masks.
Yeah, but they’re not fooling anyone.
Shhh listen
You could hear the poop fall out of the trees!
The best day
I had my iPod on and I was walking along the river, and all of a sudden I was surrounded by a group of Corgis and lesbians. It was the best day.
What good are you then
I don’t actually know how to make boobs bigger. That’s one thing I haven’t learned how to do.
Rarely ends well always
Getting people drunk in order to do something is always a great first step. It alwasy ends well. …Well, it rarely ends well.
Accurate
The first time I met her she was dressed like Madonna.
Either way
I’m going to look like Audrey Hepburn, or a scientist.
I would eat tacos every day
Tacos? If I get tacos again tomorrow I am jumping off this boat.
Reach for the stars sir
In a utopian society, like in Star Trek or something, I would be, like, a high-ranking assistant administrator.
What do you mean now
Although now I’m going to make a point of pooping in the showers of friends with dogs, just so they get confused.
Lucky
I just saw a guy with a perm. Just sayin’. Totally made my morning.
Yikes
My undies were literally in a bunch.
Maybe both
Am I that forgettable, or do these people just drink a lot of whiskey?
I only dance when I’m good
There’s a reason I only dance when I’m drunk. That’s when I start thinking I’m good.
WTF is a collar bone srsly
…so, you’re young, and pretty hip…my son is dating a new lady friend and he tells me she has her collarbones pierced. What is that??
I expect a lot
He just said he’s expecting again!
What! A baby!
No, a package from UPS.
Shut up.
Possibly not true
I was more drunk than most people in Florida.
Shit on my face and tell me that you love me
Do you use foundation that you’re really happy with? I hate the feeling of sh*t on my face. Um. I guess that’s probably typical of most people though. Nobody likes sh*t on their face. Well. Some people like sh*t on their face. But those people should find an appropriate support group, and stay away from me.
Correct sir
At first I thought you wrote so poorly because the original email was written so poorly. Now, I realize that you’re drunk.
You don’t know
So the Hindu reading guy left me a free copy of his book and it smells so good. Like an Indian spice buffet. I keep sniffing it because it smells like coriander and curry. I’m pretty sure that’s not what he intended for me to do with it.
Are you sure you weren’t tho
I think I was supposed to be born in New Jersey.
Your emails never make sense let’s be real
Did you read the email I sent you?
I read about every other word.
Well go read the rest of it and see if you can piece it together so it makes sense.
Is there tho
There’s a difference between passively waiting for visitors and going out and poking them in the eye.
Smart lady
Ohh, it’s for behavior modification. Don’t tell my wife, or I’ll end up wearing a full-body cone.