We were drinking coffee just to stay alive.
Craigslist is for lovers
Well, if you need someone to hold you, just let me know.
And you’ll find somebody for me?
Right. I’ll check CraigsList. There’s probably someone.
You are correct ma’am
Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you — I didn’t think you would object to a conversation about boobs.
Very true
Ben found some money, so I don’t have to swig tequilla in the alley.
…but that doesn’t mean you can’t.
So that’s why
First you should get married, because when you get married you get a Kitchen Aid mixer.
Displeasing shenanigans
I am displeased with your shenannigans.
Time-sensitive information
I think I may have to miss the party — there’s a guy yelling about the word of the lord outside my window and I don’t want to miss a word!
Bad news
It would be kind of cool to make a movie about Santa being an arms dealer for the rest of the year. Like he rides around in his supersonic sled distributing arms. Google “Santa is an arms dealer” and find out if someone has already done that.
Prove it
I don’t believe in honey.
…it’s not a myth.
Easter is disappointing
OK, I’m not sure that setting an egg down in the middle of the hallway constitutes “hiding.” I think that’s called “dropping.”
Typical
Sounds like a bad idea. I’m in.
Seems legit
That reminds me…I have to buy cat food at Trader Joe’s. For my multiple cats. Might look for a shapeless gray cardigan while I’m out as well.
Or both
OK, if you’re in the lip balm business, you’d better also be in the lip balm cap business. Otherwise you’re in the business of FAIL.
Are you sure it wasn’t Spiney McCutsinhalf tho
What was that name I came up for her?
Spiney McCutsinhalf?
No, not Spiney McCutsinhalf…
Either way
So I have to go into work for 8 hours, but I’m out of work to do.
Pull a George Costanza and just look really frustrated.
Oh, I thought you meant take a nap under my desk.
Hold onto that receipr
Hey — if the world does end in 2012, do you think I could get my money back on this?
Omg just tell me
I may or may not have opened your candy.
The stuff ’90s dreams are made of
Does anyone have a hacky sack?
Yes, I have one downstairs. Right next to my collection of Pogs.
Don’t tell me my business
See, it’s like trout and pizza. You wouldn’t want to eat a trout pizza.
Consistency is everything
When I hold her, do I look like a maniac that might drop her at any second?
You kind of look like that even before you hold her.
God learn some etiquette
Well, I’m on the phone, and it’s like — you don’t go over to someone’s house and start yelling at them. You stand in their side yard and yell at them through the window.
Both are true
Is this can supposed to indicate that Diet Coke is good for your heart?
No, it’s supposed to indicate that Coca Cola loves us.
Unrelated facts
I want every single thing he put in his mouth. Plus, he’s a babe.
Nice sideburn
We need a side profile shot of your face.
Yeah, cause that’s my favorite sideburn side.
Speak for yourself
Hey. Grow some weiner curtains.
Thanks doc
Honey is a byproduct of bees and flowers having sex.
It’s called the death limp
The first sign of being dead: you limp.
Or 1990s amiright
Bush with attitude — that’s so 1970s.
How many kidneys do you have tho
I literally had one glass, and I woke up in a bathtub two hours later.
So he rules is what you’re saying
Then again, I also saw him eat a raw hamburger off a rock, so…
You and me both
As soon as dogs start learning how to make whiskey sours, I’m getting one.
That’s just your opinion man
You don’t like anything good.
How’d you know
He looks like a pirate, and it’s super cute.
Why? Did he get a peg leg while he was gone?
Understandable
I have to go look at it. She’s already picked it out.
So why do you have to go look at it?
Because I’m married.
I’ve heard it both ways
But I feel like it’s kind of ruining alcohol.
Or maybe it’s just bettering the water.
How’s that going for you
I’m just recovering from being dead.
Mind your business
Have you been touching things?
Of course
We are going to have a goodbye party for her. After she leaves, of course.
He was given a hero’s farewell
You kept the cockroach, of course?
We killed it. Sad. We named it Frank after the hotel manager.
It is now
And we can put our underwear in the freezer… that’s a thing, right?
Sometimes it’s hard
It must be tough, to be so tough. Is it tough?
Spoiler alert
If anyone’s getting laid in my bed it isn’t going to be either of us.
Money-hungry
I’m just so money-hungry, I’m always looking for something to bill.
Too late for pants
It’s perfect timing, because I just put on pants.
We don’t have all day
I want to slap him, but I also kind of want to give him a million dollars.
Bless you
What, Mary was a virgin? OK, that means I’m a virgin.
That is how that works
I was twins, but apparently I dominated that womb.
Fucking grandpa
I had to de-friend my grandfather because I like to say f*ck.
I look forward to this
Someday, all of our lower jaws will be disconnected.
Dude that rules
I mean, they’re starting to make reality shows about you.
He’s a dusty guy
Oh, he loves dustballs. Sometimes I call him Dust Man.
Must be expensive
I should almost have my husband look, but he charges.
Agreed to both
I love you, and I’m really glad you’re drunk.
Both equally
Not only are you drunk on beer, you’re drunk on cheese.
Literally never
Sometimes crazy arms are really effective.
Walked right into that
What does the sponge tool do in PhotoShop?
Gives everyone square pants.
Yelp that shit bro
I just got back from the bonecracker. At one point, he twisted my head clean off, and I was all “Dude, put my head back on!” and he was all “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!” then he dropped my head and kicked it and ran away. I had to climb back up on the table using my tongue and wiggle back onto my neck. That’s one co-pay I want back.
…What kind of drugs are chiropractors giving out these days??
Was it as awesome as it sounds
I remember very clearly trying to make a peace offering with an ice cream cone once.
Who doesn’t do that
She used to do things just to me. I’m talking like pee on me when my parents weren’t looking.
I mean you might
You’d think if you ate a whole can of salmon there wouldn’t be any fat in it.
Looking on the bright side
Dude, this retainer is pretty cool. It’s like bling for my mouth.
The Great Will Riker Underwear Debate
Young Will Riker? Will “I Don’t Wear Underwear” Riker? …OK, I made that up, but it’s probably true.
Killing people is in no way maniacal
I would kill 8 people to be trapped in a Target. Don’t take that in a maniacal way.
Oh, OK — I’ll take that in the other way.
Goofoot = a serious condition
I stepped in some goo. I have goo on my foot. I have goofoot.
I really need this game
Hey, if you happen to go to a game store and you find that game, just get it for me and I’ll reimburse you when you get it. I mean, when you give it to me. It’s blue, if that helps. Also, I will give you…anything that you need.
Then what happened
I’ll always remember the last words my father said: “I’m drunk!”
Prove it
He doesn’t breathe like this at home. I would be be breathing hard too if strangers were jabbing me and sticking thermometers up my butt and stuff in my eye.
Sounds serious
I was three months pregnant with that urine.
Tell me tell me
The amount of fun smacking around I want to do is directly proportional to the quality of the dinner I receive.
That’s the good shit
Well, that’s kind of a relief because I thought I was smoking dope.
That’s how you know it’s good — you only think you’re smoking it.
How sad
This is giving me the sads.
I can only imagine
Imagine the biggest disaster ever, and it was kind of like that.
Such a magician
“I didn’t know you could do that.” Well, you couldn’t before. I just created it. I’m a magician, you see.
Universe
This is the universe apologizing for the last three days.
At least there’s that
I haven’t eaten lunch yet and my stomach just made a huge rumble.
At least it wasn’t your uterus.
Ahhhhhhhhhh
She said, it’s getting really warm in here, and I said, well that’s because there’s a flying saucer above your car — get out!
Excellent point sir
There’s not many things in life guys brag about being smaller. Cell phones, and external hard drives. That’s about it.
You may be missing the point
Oh my god, I have to show you this Onion article. It was sooooo sad.
Astute
Not everything is possible.
Than your own?
It’s always more fun to steal someone else’s wife.
Captained a pirate
Steph told me they pirated a captain. Wait, no.
Of course
So, you spent the week humping.
Something with a bridge or something
What bridge? Your sex bridge? ….oh, I thought maybe a troll under the bridge.
The most romantic of holidays
My friend just got engaged!!
She didn’t wait until Flag Day? What a weirdo.
Every day is a good nacho day
Today would have been a good day for someone to bring in nachos for the whole office.
…Why?
Because today is a good nacho day.
The boots of a rock star
Nice boots.
Thanks. You look like a rock star today.
Thanks.
Not terribly but thanks
So I was reading an article, on polygamy, and I was thinking we should try it. Are you interested?
You can score
I didn’t know you could score other than kicks, and touching down.
Literally exactly what happens
My old tool kit my dad got me like five years ago for Christmas has dwindled to a hammer and five of the exact same adjustable wrench. Like I’m pretty sure there’s a tool gnome in my house who feels bad for stealing my things, so he leaves me adjustable wrenches for everything he takes.
It’s both
She came over specifically to tell me I’m a good editor.
Are you sure she didn’t say that you were a good eater? They sound pretty close.
Fair enough
Well, you know — you win some, you lose some. Other times I just blame you for my problems.
Like usual
It was an excellent use of my time. I did nothing while she worked.
That will work well
I just need to start going up to girls and saying, “I want to be a stay-at-home dad, and you look pretty well-to-do…”
Only if you wear the tie
Do you think I’ll get looks for wearing a v-neck? Like is it too dressy to work out in?
Sexy or something
I had a dream about you the other day. I think it was sexy or something.
Not well IMHO
No, he doesn’t play, but he’s a professional appreciator.
…What does that pay?
Not much time tho
I don’t know if I’ve told you this, but my life dream is to be a rock star.
…There’s still time.
Thankfully
You don’t see a lot of papier-mâché pizza these days.
We all feel bad
You being an idiot doesn’t make me feel bad for you, it makes me feel bad for me.
How bout that ass
You’re getting payback.
How about your ass being the payback for my whole life?
Only one of us can die
No more big. Stay small. We’re running out of mushrooms.
Only one of us can die.
Get your own manta ray
Get your own manta ray.
Deal
He should just go lie down and not say anything for ten years.
Time is relative
But it’s No-Drink January… Ahhhh, I’m over January anyway. Stupid month.
The sound of my voice compels you
I don’t want to deprive you of the sound of my voice — I know how depressed you get.
Shut up.
Obviously
I’m too good for food, obviously.
#science
I’m just saying, the poop spreads to the whole house.
Don’t judge me
…Hence why i can’t stand the smell of Dial today. Or the taste.
Um, if you could stand the taste of soap, I’d think you were weird.
There’s still time
At least he didn’t flit over here like a woods sprite. I was nervous.
Right Christian of you
In these tough economic times, I think it would be right Christian of you to hire one of those people from medieval times to hang out underneath the toilet hole waiting to wipe for you.
You can never uninvite me
How can I uninvite you?
Next time boss
Next time when you ask “what should his password be,” and I say “like a license plate,” try a5h8t6J7 instead of the guy’s f***ing name.
Kim chee is definitely a finger
I can count on the fingers of one hand foods that I legitimately do not like, and kimchee is one of those fingers.
Clean laundry becomes dirty
I think there’s only so long clean laundry can sit out unfolded before it becomes dirty laundry.
Thanks for being upfront about it
I may be easy, but I’m not cheap.
Different doctrines, similar challenges
Catholic girls and New Age Christian girls are very different.
But the challenges are very similar.
It was an important event
That was when we cried, and then had victory nachos.
I can back that up
I’ve always been warm to Aaron Rodgers.
Dude you don’t know
I honestly don’t think they investigate discount fraud for magazine subscriptions too heavily.
Calling all ball sacks
I just want to be like, everyone needs to find their ballsack and act on it.
So which one can I use
One of these works most of the time, and one of them doesn’t work half of the time.
Flag Day means romance
Are you engaged yet?
No. I’m waiting for Flag Day.
Ah — the most romantic of all holidays.
Thank you?
I’m not sure if you can answer this, but maybe you can because you’re from the past.
Sounds about right
I’m Catholic — I feel terrible!
I too cannot believe this
Oh my god, I can’t believe I made it this far without dying.
A lot of people manage actually
It’s hard to make it when you only have two balls.
I’m not sure that’s correct
The best thing about bacon grease is that you can just leave it in there.
Agreed
She’s married, so she’s not worth talking to.
I wasn’t gonna say it
I’m drinking like a confused 8th grader.
Um I mean
Anyone with tattoos can’t be a virgin.
A wumble if you will
I just had a word fumble. A wumble, if you will.
Speaking of which
Speaking of raising the glass…are we just going to play with the cat?
Sound advice thanks nurse
Just cut the skin around the tip off.
He is a Simpsons drawing of Vincent Price
He looks like a Simpsons drawing of Vincent Price.
Not even electric bro
They just have acoustic tonight. That’s like, not even electric.
That’s how it works eh
…or like when you get cat pee on your face and you start tripping balls? Anyone?
Stoned and ruin my evening
I’m gonna get stoned and f***ing ruin my evening.
Nuggets are shark chum duh
Why is this shark hovering over my McNuggets??
Thank you for being a dumping bag
You’re kind of my dumping bag lately, sorry. …OK, i don’t exactly know what a dumping bag is.
We can only imagine
So all he had on was underwear and brown socks. Which was very sexy.
Reality is not real
I don’t know if I can justify eating real food today. I didn’t do any real things.
That’s usually how long it takes
I’m so glad it took me my whole life to grow up…
Bold claim sir
I look good in everything.
Correct sir
I’m not usual.
You mean you didn’t
Like I really wanted to stand there while some dorky old stranger measures my wife’s cervix opening with his fingers.
Really just body love
What’s going on? Besides body love?
Strong moral code
I wouldn’t hold it if I didn’t love it.
A capella ghosts
Do you know what would be cool? If there was an a capella group of people that could…uh…throw their voices.
Group hand shower
Let’s go take a group hand-shower.
Clearly you did
Like you didn’t start drinking when you were an adolescent.
Very specific
I certainly wish that people like Rush Limbaugh would catch the H1N1 or something like that.
That makes one of us
I’m OK with touching.
Humping or butt-grinding
Is this humping?
No, that’s butt-grinding.
Double-teaming us, Jim
They’re double-teaming us, Jim!
Thank you
Your girlfriend has a lot of parts.
You’re telling me
He just likes to hold his penis against your shoe.
That’s my beard
What’s that on your neck?
Oh, this here? That’s my beard.
Do it with hipsters
This commercial doesn’t make me want to buy an iPod. It just makes me want to do it with hipsters.
Solid plan
I always tell my kids: Marry your second wife first.
Dog farts
OK, I smell dog fart. Who was it?
Me. I had a lot of Schlitz last night.
Ugly babies are the worst
I mean, seriously. What if I had an ugly baby? I like to think I’m more grown-up than that, but…
OK
Let’s not talk again for awhile, OK?
OK.
Know your strengths
I’m…just going to wander away while I mutter to myself.
That’s the best way to spend your time.
Drunk dialing
OK. Yup. Bye bye. *click* Whew, put down the bottle, sir… I’m contact-drunk from that call.
Definitely the DJ
I like to wear these and think that people might think I’m a DJ. Like, look at that girl’s shoes. I wonder what she’s doing here — maybe she’s the DJ!
You’re buying sushi bro
If I like him, you owe me sushi. If I hate him, you owe me sushi.
Come to order
This meeting of the Bathroom Club is officially commencing.
The shitty kind
What kind of shits are they asking about?
Jacket is as jacket does
Nice jacket! Looks warm.
…It helps.
Effectively hiding the thunder
Do these effectively hide my thunder?
Zombies can’t win
Dude, zombies can’t win.
Says who
Just because you’re bored doesn’t mean you can be blatantly dangerous.
Nipple please
What do you think? Nipple, or no nipple?
I can help with that
My goal is to get an adult to run away from me.
Stay tuned for final decision
I may want to make this awesome.
Jesus could do anything he put his mind to really
Jesus could go deep-sea fishing! That would be bad ass.
I would
Well, if you were Jesus, and you came back, wouldn’t you make a lot of money?
High art
I think this person painted these watercolors by putting the paintbrush in their butt.
Not enough Ramen
Did you just say “two thousand Ramen”? Because that would be like, twenty bucks!
Travis is a watery guy
Sitting around with Travis is always so much fun.
And you always stay hydrated.
Times a billion
Battlestar Galactica is so good. It’s like crack. It’s like crack mixed with Pringles.
Burr wine
I don’t know how long I had been drinking burr wine, but it made me puke in my mouth a little.
It’s been a while
You know what I miss, is cool things.
Shitty break boss
Do you want to take a break? No, not that kind of break — the kind where you continue working, just on a different project.
Peter Pan
I look like Peter Pan.
Cool life Sheila
Why am i talking quietly? Because i’m working. Yes, i’m working. Yes, i don’t want to talk too loudly in the office. Yes, i love you too. Yes, i think that sounds good for dinner. No, i’m not being quiet, i’m just a little tired. Yes, ok, we could do potatoes.
You are weird
Did you just say I’m weird?
Time flies
Wow. It’s only the 12th, and it’s already the 12th.
Found him
Oh, there’s God.
I quit
I will always ask for more than is possible.
That’s how evolution works
If wheels were so great, we would have evolved into them by now.
Master of your doman
It has no natural predators…in my backyard…except for me.
There sure is a lot of semen
There sure is a lot of semen in this room.
Aquaman of the sky
I’m like Aquaman of the sky.
brother
He really does that, to be cool? I love your brother.
Cool huh
Your face is in the dirt. You have a dirt mustache.
Pick a number any number
I’ll give her my number. Your number. A number. Take a number.
Your face is not on fire.
And then, you get to that point where you just keep telling yourself, “Don’t scream.” Then you know you’re going to be fine.